“ Relationships are the art of compromise.”

“One must know when it is best to be silent.”

“Any transformation must always start with oneself.”

These are sayings we all know well and perhaps even use ourselves. But when does that hour and minute arrive when we are allowed to disagree and refuse everything that someone expects from us, or what is “accepted in normal society”?

The modern view of love in the public sphere has largely become focused on appearing good from the outside and conforming to the “right box,” rather than truly feeling good.

Speaking of relationships, I believe that true well-being arises from forming a deep spiritual connection with a partner, sharing common memories, and from a mutual exchange of energy – the ability to both give and receive.

It is about investing your time in the people who are most important to you

However, when taking decisive steps and making significant life choices, questions or reflections always surface like champagne corks, demanding answers before one can safely surrender to the flow of events and focus on building the future. One of the most essential (and perhaps trickiest) questions is:

am I true to myself and am I “myself” in my relationships?

The concept of authenticity, it turns out, has been relevant for a long time; we each discover it in our own time and situation. What does it mean to be authentic? How to practice it in your life and interactions with others to build lasting and sustainable relationship bonds?

Authenticity is not “something” we either have or lack; it is a practice – a conscious choice of how to live, a spectrum of choices we make ourselves every day by being present, truthful, and honest.

This idea likely inspires and frightens simultaneously, because, on the one hand, it is a value we highly appreciate both in ourselves and in others, but on the other hand, in a society built on rules of inclusion and pleasing, it is quite a complex challenge. The choice to be honest with oneself, without pleasing others, is not the safest path, as it leads outside the comfort zone, and, as is often the case when staying in unfamiliar, unknown places – there is a risk of someone, hmm, exactly – “getting punched in the face.”

Because, rest assured, the only guarantee that can be given to everyone who acts or dares is – you will be criticized. And criticism is painful, even if we are well aware that it is unfounded and out of place. A natural and quite logical reaction would be to harden oneself against the opinions and chaff of others' thoughts – often we present this skill to ourselves and others as a useful and commendable quality, don't we? However, the problem is this – by closing ourselves off, we are no longer capable of being authentic, honest. A vicious circle that can only be broken with courage.

The courage to “tell your story” to the world, while remaining vulnerable to criticism. This is a risk that must be taken to experience true, open relationships, offering the other person the depths and beauty of your being, rather than a carefully sealed shell fortified with barricades.

Sacrificing who we truly are in the name of not bothering or pleasing other people is simply too high a price. Yes, we and our loved ones may have to experience the “growing pains” of authenticity, but when summing up our relationship balance, it always turns out to be one of the most valuable gifts we can give to those we love.

Choosing authenticity means cultivating in oneself and in one's relationship space the courage to be imperfect, to set necessary privacy boundaries, to allow oneself to be vulnerable, and to learn compassion for one another, knowing that we are all at the mercy of our insecurities and inner struggles. To keep alive our mutual connection and sense of belonging, which can only survive if we believe that we have enough with each other. It's good as it is.

When I came to the commitment to shape my daily life and make choices based on the desire to become honest with myself, in order to escape the pits I had dug myself, in whose events and situations the only thing I truly approached with a gaping black maw was depression and dissatisfaction with life, a wonderful author came into my view – University of Houston researcher, professor, and writer Brené Brown. Based on her research, she has written several books on topics such as shame and guilt, vulnerability, and the aforementioned authenticity.

Brown compares the choice of an authentic life to a revolution

“Choosing to live and love with all your heart is an act of defiance. You confuse, offend, and frighten countless people – including yourself. You are surprised to be courageous and simultaneously gripped by fear. I feel this way almost every day... courageous, afraid, and very, very alive.”

We truly need to grow and change, to be silent and observe, to accept and reconcile – the most crucial aspect in this case is the direction of all these actions – whether it comes from the dazzling pressure of the external world and its long fingers constantly poking our minds, demanding surrender before its relentless “order”; or from within, from our own nature, which, acting intuitively and with heart-wisdom, chooses the most suitable tools to build new steps in our lives and in relationships with those walking alongside us.

Writer E.E. Cumming said “To be nobody-but-yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else - means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight - and never stop fighting.”

That is what I wish for all of us – strength of spirit, courage, and the permission to experience ourselves, even in close relationships with our dearest ones.

Article author: Dārta Daneviča