Love until the end of life in old age... This is exactly what we want to experience with our loved one. However, there are quite a lot of couples in whose marriage feelings of love are replaced with time by the habit of being together - because it's customary, because it's convenient, because they have a joint farm, children, and divorce will be just unnecessary chatter. Where does love fade and is it possible to get it back?

Why is love replaced by habit?

Love can be recovered as long as there is respect in the relationship. If there is no respect, there is no place for love. Habit and habit replace the feelings of love when we no longer pay due attention to our relationship with our spouse - the focus has shifted to work, children, the farm, partner's shortcomings. He or she begins to become something self-evident, what is not liked is noticed, but the beautiful, noble and valuable character traits and actions of the loved one are underappreciated.

Love is a choice and a relationship is a precious gift that not everyone gets. Relationships need to be nurtured, valued, and require time and attention. When the focus shifts to self-growth, two scenarios are possible. In the first one, you discover that you are not on the right path with your chosen partner, it is not possible for you to have a dialogue where you speak on the same level, even though you have spent many years together.

There may be various reasons for this: perhaps you met immaturely and did not know yourself; perhaps one of you has changed, grown, developed, and the other has remained where he was; perhaps both of you have evolved, but each in a different direction; and you may have chosen a partner not according to the most sensible scenario - for example, you really liked his broad shoulders and velvety voice, you liked it so much that you turned a blind eye to his cowardly character traits and lack of initiative, thinking that it would work out and you would inspire him to great deeds.

But it makes sense to be together and to develop a relationship only if, at the moment when you decide to build a relationship, he suits you exactly as he already is. The future self-growth of the partner will be a very pleasant bonus. Because no matter how attractive the visual image is and no matter how beautiful the words expressed by the potential partner - the value is determined by the works and his or her inner world. Inner beauty is known to be of eternal value. And in fact, it's quite normal if after 15 years of being together you conclude that you are no longer on the same path. It's the experience you got. These years are in no way to be dismissed or belittled. Then when you got to know this partner, you were right for each other. But that has changed.

In the second scenario - you see how asleep you both were in your relationship, and you start taking care of it.

Love can be recovered

One pebble sets in motion an entire avalanche. If you want to restore and improve intimacy with your loved one, do not look for cockroaches on his or her side. Start with yourself ! And in any case, if you want to get love back in your relationship, you have to start with yourself, accepting and getting to know yourself. It may seem - what more self-discovery at the age of 40? Well, try it, the changes will be indescribable!

Becoming more aware, understanding more about yourself and the motives of your partner's actions or lack of action, you may come to the realization that happiness is no longer out there - in someone else's embrace. The problem is deeper and begins within oneself - living on the surface, not taking responsibility for one's decisions, succumbing to emotions.

What to do to regain love instead of habit?

• Start to study and love yourself. We can really see the other only if we have gone through this process with ourselves - allowed ourselves to get to know ourselves and fall in love - accepting ourselves as a value in a deep sense, not an egoistic "I deserve". Where to start? Anything that seems most relevant to you at the moment - books, podcasts, a psychologist's office, retreats, conversations with specialists or simply smart fellow human beings. Ask yourself a question - do you love yourself? If we love ourselves, the relationship should not go by itself and become a simple habit. It's not even really possible. Because - if a relationship is a habit, a person lives on the surface, letting himself go where life leads, but not taking responsibility for his decisions. You are the one who chooses what your relationship is like! You make them!
• Talking to a partner. Communication plays a huge role in a relationship. Hurts most often arise from misunderstandings, which in turn arise when things are not spoken, instead being interpreted in one's mind. Talking to a loved one, we practice a valuable skill - listening. Instead of blaming each other, tell each other how you feel and what caused those feelings. In communication, the golden value is honesty. It will also promote the ability to empathize or understand the other.

• Make room for ease in relationships. There is a time for seriousness, but there is also a time for lightness, play, fun, enjoyment - joy of life! Enjoy life, each other's presence and celebrate it! Celebrating can also be emotional - indeed, telling your loved one about his existence every day with a smile on your face.
• Plan a romantic time together. A relationship cannot exist only on cares, chores and shared responsibilities. Romance is a must in a couple's relationship! Even when you've been together for 20, 30, 40 years. If you have children, you should remember that you can give to them if you yourself are a full vessel - filled with positive emotions and rest. Children learn from their parents. They also learn about love and relationships directly from you.

• Respect and support each other. If criticism has crept into the relationship, then it is rather sad. In a relationship, you should build each other up and not tear each other down. Moreover, criticism, unless it is constructive and asked for by the partner, is a show of disrespect. For a woman to love and desire a man, the main cornerstone is a sense of security - if there is criticism, then there is no security because the partner humiliates her. He is not a defender but a striker. It is impossible to lust after such a man who humiliates a woman. It is a completely natural protective reaction to the abuser. And there is no need to look for excuses for the perpetrator's behavior. There is no excuse for disrespectful behavior. Let him take responsibility for his own actions.
• Just as disrespectful behavior by men destroys intimacy and relationships, so does disrespectful behavior by women. A woman can transform a marriage by showing that she respects her man. He will feel loved, recognized, appreciated, and will naturally want to continue his exploits. On the other hand, regular remarks, indications of what to do and how to do, belittle, belittle, and absolutely do not motivate a man in any way. It only distances you from the woman, and emotional intimacy is no longer possible in such a relationship. A man should be loved, not controlled.

• And speaking of another aspect of respect - each couple may have different interests, occupations, career direction - it is important to respect this choice and support the partner's intentions.
• Find out each other's love language. If you're in the grip of habit, you hardly know each other's love language. Then it's time to find out, unless you're at the stage where you just don't care. A love language is a way of approaching a partner to make him or her feel loved. These can be compliments, quality time spent, gifts, help - it is important to show your loved one that you love him and that you care about him precisely through the way of expressing love language that is important to him, because it may be different for you.

• Do things together that are a new adventure for both of you. You can reignite the flames of passion in your relationship by doing things you haven't done together before. And if you arrange them as dates! For example, go on a trip with SUP boards, climb a rock wall, go hiking along the sea, visit art museums, maybe go on a trip as a couple if you have done everything with the children so far. New environment, new activities - this is an opportunity to see your partner with new eyes and fall in love again. And it's worth thinking about - hasn't the habit entered your relationship precisely because you haven't done anything together outside of your duties for a long time? People who love each other are on the same love frequency - on the same wavelength - and they enjoy the time they spend together. Time spent together brings you closer.
• Respect everyone's individual time. However, not everything in life has to be done together. Individual moments are necessary for every person. In them we both relax and get closer to ourselves by hearing how I really feel.

Author of the article: Ieva Simanovića

Photo: Alixann Loosle Photography, Katelyn Macmillan, Liz Rudman Photos