A woman's self-esteem is very delicate, valuable and important. This affects self-confidence and the quality of future life. Raising self-esteem is not an easy task and many psychologists agree that it is better and cheaper not to underestimate it. in this article, we will analyze in detail the causes of low self-esteem and how this condition affects the choice of a life partner, as well as consider the most effective ways to help women increase the importance of their personality and become more self-confident. About everything in turn.

Relationship mentor: Zane Ozoliņa

Reasons for low self-esteem

If we take into account the definition of self-esteem, then in general it is a person's idea of himself: an assessment of his qualities and behavior, an idea of his importance in this world.

Self-esteem is formed in childhood and the process of its formation is different for women and men . The beautiful representatives of humanity have a mirror-like image of themselves. This means that a woman's self-esteem is formed by the attitude of the people around her. If a girl hears from her parents and close people that she is stupid, ugly, behaves badly, if she hears unfavorable comparisons about herself: "Re - Maijiņa Kalninii is gold! And you can't even learn a verse of a poem! You always ruin everything! You can't be trusted!", then all this settles in the girl's mind and forms an inferiority complex, and diminishes her importance in her own eyes.

If we continue about the childhood period, there are some major parenting mistakes that lead to low self-esteem in a girl:

Lack of
• unconditional love : “I love you for who you are and what you are”;
• comparison with other children, which does not benefit the girl: "Anna is smarter", "Linda is more beautiful, more obedient", etc.;
• criticism aimed at the child, his behavior, characteristics, appearance, "bad taste", "bad manners, grades at school", "girls don't behave like that", "they don't dress and paint like that";
• imposing your ideas on a girl about “where she should study”, “who she should marry”;
• emotional coldness of one of the parents (lack of affection, care, expressions of physical and emotional love - hugs, kisses, satisfaction of the child's needs and wishes, support and faith in the child);
• the desire to see in the girl the continuation of oneself and the family dynasty: "You should be a dentist,
• gynecologist, pathologist in the eighth generation"; - compensation for parents' failures and unfulfilled wishes. It includes clubs, sports, educational institutions - everything that parents dreamed of; - guiding girls in sports and orienting them towards achievements, "faster, higher, stronger". Application of girls in all Olympiads and competitions.

Based on the example of the parents' action or inaction, the girl learns two behavioral strategies, which she then implements in her life:

• I am bad and unworthy of love;
• you can't love me just like that - love has to be earned.

such views greatly affect the future life of the girl. It is difficult for her to set goals and achieve them. She constantly doubts her abilities and whether she is worthy of wanting and getting something. She doesn't know or understand her needs because from birth her parents always knew "what's best" by suppressing her desires and destroying her dreams.

It is logical that even in her future life, a woman continues to seek confirmation of her importance in society in order to increase her self-esteem. And here everything depends on the quality of the environment in which a woman is and which she creates around herself. Unfortunately, she does not read the admiration addressed to her in all eyes. It does not raise, on the contrary, lowers her personal importance.

Signs of low self-esteem

In order to increase self-esteem , it is essential to carry out a diagnosis, i.e. to understand that the problems that exist in your life and a bad attitude do not just happen and are related, first of all, to your attitude towards yourself.

The following points will help you do this, and I recommend answering them honestly:

1. Failure to refuse. It is difficult for you to say "no" or refuse something to someone. You are burdened with work, you perform tasks in your place and in someone else's place. You help relatives and friends move, do repairs, lend money, take care of children, etc. You get tired, you don't want to do it, but the guilt doesn't allow you to give up.
2. Critical attitude towards one's appearance or shyness. Something always does not satisfy you: nose, lips, breasts, weight, face, height. You are a regular customer of a beautician and plastic surgeon (or dream of it and save money).
3. Fear of expressing one's opinion and expressing wishes. In companies, you often sit aside and choose to simply listen. You speak only in exceptional cases or when asked. Feel awkward in meetings and conferences. Expected utterances in public cause trembling, anxiety, or panicked terror.
4. Irresponsibility. That's right! That is, at work and in front of friends, you are always ready to help and are excessively responsible. As for your life, you show complete irresponsibility, allowing other people and situations to influence it and decide your destiny. The worst part is that most of the time you let it destroy you! And you do nothing to stop this process and say, "Stop! Enough! Pack your things and get out!"
5. Sacrifice and self-flagellation. You feel guilty for everything that happens in your life and in the world. You didn't look like that, you didn't put it on your back, etc. You think you deserve all the humiliation and insults you receive. And most importantly, you tolerate them and have come to terms with them.
6. Failure to accept compliments. You feel uncomfortable and embarrassed when you hear praise at work or compliments about your appearance. You don't believe and try to justify yourself by saying that "it's not my merit", "this is an old dress", "I just washed my hair", etc.
7. doubts. You doubt your appearance and success. Don't believe that you can achieve anything worthwhile in life and that you can be loved just for being yourself. It is difficult for you to make a decision in a cafe when placing an order or in a store when choosing an outfit. You ask others to help you. And when you have made a purchase, you regret it or doubt its correctness and usefulness.
8. Lack of personal opinion. It is easier for you when someone makes a decision and makes a choice for you. You entrust responsibility to other people because you believe they know best. You think that you don't know anything, you don't understand and you will definitely make a mistake. You are passive at work and without initiative. Afraid to speak your mind. At work, it is easier for you to let another person reap the rewards than to admit that this idea is yours. In relationships, you are silent and suffer. It is difficult for you to realize your desires, and even if it succeeds, you do not talk about these desires.
9. Painful attitude towards criticism. Hearing reprimands about your work or appearance becomes even more painful, because through them you receive confirmation that you are not valid. At that moment, it is offensive to the point of tears, you want to curl up in a ball and hide from everyone.
10. Perfectionism and high demands on oneself . You buy an endless amount of books, participate in several coaching marathons, sign up for all kinds of courses, get a second and third education. You set difficult, exhausting goals, set high demands on yourself. You have a constant desire to change something and an eternal desire to lose weight. You bring your actions to meticulous precision and your goals to absurdity.

What men do women with low self-esteem choose

Naturally, when a woman does not consider herself worthy of love and respect, she accordingly attracts men in her life who do not value her. Unconsciously, she repeats the painful scenarios learned in childhood. After all, if the people closest to her say that she is fat, stupid and has nothing to love, what can she expect?

A woman expects similar behavior from her "beloved man" because she has not experienced a different attitude towards herself. She is in the position of a victim and attracts the corresponding characters - aggressors, abusers and manipulators. this is the category of controlling, powerful, cruel men who humiliate, insult, cheat, beat their women. And here there is no opportunity to raise self-esteem! The tyrant does everything to keep his victim under complete control and in the belief that she has such a fate and that only she herself is to blame for everything. Complete humility and unquestioning obedience to his master. It is natural that a woman, being in such a zombified state, does not dare to speak or, even more, to leave "her beloved".

How to raise self-esteem and self-confidence

Now let's look at the recommendations, the implementation of which will give you confidence, a sense of your value and importance.

Don't save on yourself

As Remarque wrote: "A woman who saves on herself awakens the only desire in a man - to save on him." We break our "piggy bank" and go shopping, to spa treatments, do hair and manicure, walk in new shoes and wear beautiful underwear.

Listen to your wishes

Before you do something, ask yourself the question "do I want it?" "Am I doing it because I want to, not because I need to?" Start in the morning. When you go to breakfast, listen to yourself, turning off the mind and counter-questions from the series, "what's in the fridge?", "is it healthy?", "does it make me chubby?" etc.

Fulfill your dreams

Sit down and make a list of things you wanted to do, but your parents, husband and other kind people wouldn't let you. Maybe as a child you wanted to learn ballroom dancing, but your dad took you to boxing. You always dreamed of long hair and mom cut off the boy's head. Or maybe you still don't have your ears pierced? Now is the time to remember everything and start implementing it.

Don't compare yourself to others

We are all unique. So there is no point in comparing yourself to someone else. Everyone has their own story, experience and path. You can only compare yourself with yourself to understand how much happier you are today than yesterday. And what should be done today so that the feeling of happiness will increase tomorrow.

Do not criticize, but praise yourself

Everyone has the right to make mistakes and you are no exception. Criticism has never helped anyone to cope with problems and has not given self-confidence. But praise and support is a completely different thing!

Learn to say no

Nothing promotes self-esteem like respecting personal boundaries and being able to firmly say "no!". Implemented achievement diary

Set yourself goals and follow the positive results. The number of steps you take, the time you get up or go to bed, the amount of liquid you drink, a new meal you made or an organized wardrobe, a Chinese language course or skydiving. By the way, increasing self-esteem can become an excellent goal, and the implementation of each recommendation will add a new point to the diary of achievements and bring you closer to what you want.

Dear, beautiful girls and women, love, appreciate and take care of yourself! Take responsibility for your life! And be happy! That's why you came to this world!

Author of the article: Zane Ozoliņa