Introduction

"Controversy as an essence - gives drive will and strengthens our values"
I.Florence – Vīksne

Much has been heard about what we need to learn in relationships and in life together. For example, learning to talk to each other, learn how to trust, learn how to get along, learn a lot of seemingly positive processes, things that useful for building healthier relationships and living together. But about the dispute as a useful element in the relationship little has been heard. Especially if it would be something very good. I understand, because it could be explained by the fact that we are aiming for We have patched the positive and preconceived argument as a negative one. It has even been heard, seen and heard that most people believe that if there is an argument in a relationship, then obviously pigeons are not on the way.

I want to share an unpopular opinion about the dispute. Unpopular because I also think positively about the dispute. No it always has negative consequences...

I believe that an argument can be one of the keys to a healthy relationship, coexistence - just like learning to speak alone with another or to trust. Conflict can be the cause of progressive processes if we learn it and know how to deal with it relate to

What is a Dispute? How do we understand it?

A dispute is, by definition, a conflict. Discussions, disputes, in which opposing thoughts, opposing views are expressed and where each tries to defend his thoughts, his views. Difference of opinion, disagreement. The difference between two completely different people, whether we've been together for 50 years or 1 year. We can even argue with ourselves - when we are divided in thoughts with our desire, will, goal and something else - "In conflict with ourselves and the World". There may be a dispute different, that's right. But, as I already mentioned, this word is most often associated with a negative feeling and sometimes very sharp feelings. Argument can be the basis for many negative consequences. Most often, when we violate our own or other's boundaries and also when if we don't know how to divide something, agree on something, etc. In my opinion, the same as trust, the consequences of love, openness and other processes we learn, we also learn in life disputes, disputes as an action and forms of conflict. That awareness gives us experience. And very different, but, unfortunately, mostly with a negative vibe, because they are not easy. Disputes requires a lot of energy. You have to know how to defend yourself, you have to stand up for your righteousness, you have to know how to forgive, understand and to ask

I have crystallized two types of disputes for myself

Negative conflict - I associate a dispute with a horizontal line - it makes little sense, there is no development and as a result great fatigue and dejection that keeps us enslaved and agitated for days, weeks, months, even lifetimes.

On the other hand, I associate a positive dispute, with value, with meaning, with a vertical line, ascending. One that gives growth and progress both with myself and in relationships. And an argument that is meaningful can give a lot to both relationships and ourselves as personalities. But to argue worthily we need to learn several things about it. I don't even doubt that for everyone dispute is very personal, individual with its own limits and ways. But I think it's worth it to each of us to delve into the essence of the dispute in order to learn to turn it into a positive and value-bearing one. But how is it? Because the dispute conflict makes all our brain nerves join hands and do the Song Festival dance, all the hormones want to scream, the whole body makes me feel a desire - an extremely hot will to say or prove, defend. Then how about this situation to concentrate so as not to say: "How do I do it?"?!

How can we perceive and use conflict situations? Our common world - neither mine nor yours - third

"Argument is an art that can lead to progress in relationships. Great and valuable."

I.Florence – Viksne

Its essence and variations can be learned in the process - in the dispute itself. That's how it is. Theoretical knowledge facilitates practice, but practice is often quite different from theory. I will definitely not talk about wins or losses. I think it's an argument there is something wider and not so domesticated as to equalize it.

I remember my arguments from my youth very well. Not given the pocket money and high aspirations I wanted to achieve, often resulted in family disputes. Friends and attention, evaluation, recognition - if there were none, then undoubtedly conflict with himself with his peers. Later, the first relationship, incompatibility of views, faith, disputes about influence, disputes about what, who does more, less, etc. All our lives we are surrounded by disputes. Bigger, smaller, more painful, less painful, devastating and unpleasant to the bone. They have a good side - if there is something to argue about, then you have to argue. Exactly as in the ring. There is no door to escape from the conversation. Of course, if someone is not satisfied and invites you to an argument, then there is always a choice to agree, not to agree. It is necessary to evaluate which person calls to resolve disagreements. If it is our second side, then it is better not to consider anyone a fool and accept an argument. But also don't think that you have to be alone when starting it loser and winner. Because mostly they are already arguing about justice. I know from my experience that there is often a conflict in situations with my opinion against someone else's, I provoke intense discussions. But I don't care about winning my own justice or to prove that my opinion is worth more than someone else's. All I want is to understand, understand and then find out what is like. I don't believe that any of us can be right about things. In a situation where more expressive discussions open up I find myself asking questions often and trying to stay calm, because wanting to explain sometimes takes a negative tone and prevails.

I think that in conflict situations the main thing is not only to keep calm and resolve the conflict with questions, but also is our individual relinquishment of the Ego's leadership.

As for relationships, I think that each person individually is a personality and one whole world, but when we are two people coming together, we create a third World - just like a newborn. Therefore, if a dispute develops between me and the other person, with whom we create another third world - our relationship, then you have to learn to give up your EGO preferences that are up to each individual. During a dispute, only relationships are important - our common World, which can suffer or grow. Desires, powers and victories of one's personality ego can be shown in deeds, good deeds. But no in situations of dispute. Any conflict will definitely affect our common World and if it is important to both of us and value, we can push the ego to the wall and overcome our inability, unwillingness and intransigence. Both of us we want love and happiness between us. We both want the relationship to work. If we can give up the ego already at the beginning of the dispute, then we can look at the dispute as a normal phenomenon, as a valuable opportunity to open up and talk, shout out feelings that have been hidden for a long time, cry out your fears and reveal your pain. In this case, the dispute itself wins vertical lines and it can make a lot of sense. And there is no need to be ashamed of tears and tears, a broken voice, or "not being pretty "behaviors.  It is the Ego that often prevents us from letting go of all our feelings because it reminds us of what is right or wrong.

“The wisest obeys…” What it leads to

In arguments, it is worse when there is silence and one does not talk to each other, one feels to himself, but silently wants to express them out loud, doing nothing at that very moment. Both wait… nothing happens and the resentment slowly begins to merge with the blood until each of us we feel satiated and we no longer want to do arguing as an activity. And if we argue for a reason, what would be true must be resolved, the conflict does not follow, then it is already a horizontal line and does not bring anything to the relationship. Rather poison our love with negative thoughts and fear - cloud our clear mind. In such cases, it seems: "Ah, I will obey as the wisest". No, this saying has long been outdated when we think about relationships with loved and important people. Basically, and also at the very core, both have the right to know, help and listen. Because we are both relationship builders. The same if someone someone offends falsely, then both have the right, and should necessarily do so, to say how they feel about it. Even then if a quarrel may seem inevitable, for I will swallow bile, I am strong, and I will keep it within me. Arceries is poison! Smart the old world lesson is to keep nothing inside because it poisons. When we settle, it's poison. I mean every one of these know the feeling. When we swallow our anger, when we keep the prejudices, the fears that are the basis of the conflict, we run the risk get sick And it's not a physical illness when we cough, although it can be, but more moral and emotionally depressing and dark.

It is better to deal with all this together and eradicate the weeds that grow in our World.

Compromise as the real key to negotiation

After the night there is always the morning and after the storm the sun. It's like a rule. If I scream, I'll tell all my feelings let's both talk it out, if we get upset, then it's time for the sun! But for it to jump, it takes will and desire after that. Here, too, each of us is able to make concessions. And this concession is also the real art. These times I to myself I always remind you: "This is not just your World - relationships. This world is also another. World - relationships the common ones". I say to myself: "Go and ask, go and do - solve it, even for the whole day, but solve it. Because that's how I can see to hear, to feel what the other feels. Just like that. Listen, be, talk about what's important, talk about what's important and finally search compromise and solution". What is important is the will, willingness to talk, find out, support. Not the other way around: "When he will come when you apologize?! I won't be like that anymore, I'm right, I won't give in because I don't want to''. As I already mentioned - justice not in a relationship. The truth is for you or for him. But not for Your World, which you create together.  If you want the relationship to grow like a child, then he has to explain what's going on! In this regard, we should talk to each other. We cannot guess out of the blue what's going on in someone else's head. For this reason, speaking - talking is another very important process. Conversation is a way of we communicate and can overcome confusion. We all want a healthy relationship, so be it they are taken care of.

Be responsible and compromise so that you can understand each other better and go deeper into the problem that affects you both. And there are disputes a great way for both of you to bond if you both want the relationship to work and be fulfilling. Don't keep it to yourself feelings that affect the other person and your World. You have the opportunity to bond, learn more about each other and to grow out of your shackles, complex worries and fears.  The arguments are worth it! We think and act according to them conclusions. Which is essential in our relationship and each one's personal growth.

As for anger, jealousy, envy, they are all fear. Unsure person always will be afraid. Here you can read my first article about working with yourself.

Together naked also mentally not only physically

But a dispute with meaning is not name-calling and humiliating the other person. Such disputes are destructive and hardly second to you humble is about the growth of relationships and love in them. If one of the couple does not want to take care of the relationship, then so be it may be a big answer for the common future. It is necessary to know and learn the art of speech in order to be able to express and say your feelings. And you have to remember that good in art is not only good or bad only evil. There are many colors in art and meaning. Even conflicts and arguments in our lives can be good because they allow us to finally talk soulfully, to express feelings in a different way, to find out and feel like a person, to feel once in a while as we are told feeling, and experiencing both catharsis and the fact that you are open to yourself and the other person completely. Kyle is not mentally either only bodily.

The basic value of the whole argument is to give up your ego and talk to each other, express your feelings. Remember that the dispute should not be ignored or walked away from. It is disobedient and you don't know when life will challenge you for it again the same as when you ignored the conflict. So put all your weapons aside and go! There is an argument, we are arguing we talked about everything, no matter what, and we understand what is happening in the newborn world we created!

Author of the article: IEVA FLORENCE