Līva Spurava is a wife, mother, gestalt therapy practitioner of psychotherapy and blogger Womanly Wise the creator. Having been in a relationship with her husband for 10 years and counseling women on various relationship issues, she has come to its own conclusions, what are the main myths and truth about the relationship , being in them. LĪGAVĀM invited Liva to a conversation to find out what the main expectations and biggest myths are in marriage.

What are the myths and the truth about relationships?

There are so many different opinions about loving relationships, which makes us understand and conclude that relationships are work and a process to be learned. Is it so?

Absolutely. In general, it seems to me that every person, in order to have the right to live in a relationship, should learn the basics of psychology. Studying psychotherapy sometimes just makes me feel like a student of life. In this learning process I have learned things, seemingly simple truths of life, that I had no idea about before. I still think so very many people lack the knowledge of how to build stable and healthy relationships.

What do you think are the biggest myths about relationships and love?

One of the biggest myths in relationships, in my opinion, is that everyone in the world has one right person. But there are none the perfect partner.

I think we basically have quite a few options, but we meet one that we're willing to try and go with along this relationship path. Of course, when we initially meet this person, we often feel that he is the real and only one, the fateful, destined for us. However, it is a chemical reaction that takes place inside us, which is also called “pink glasses". When they fall, a person may begin to think that the partner is not what he wanted, that he made a mistake. In this case, the relationship may end and the search for the "real" one may continue.

This leads to the second biggest myth in relationships, that love is a feeling, butterflies in the stomach and head spinning from the presence of love. But love is not a feeling, although undeniably feelings are also important. Love is a discipline, I am not afraid to use the word - work. It can put people off, because it is undoubtedly modern in society, we want to achieve everything quickly, without excessive effort, however, there is no such thing as work and eating common salt pods deep and fulfilling relationships are possible.

It is also said that love is a choice...

Absolutely. In my opinion, without a conscious choice, being with another person, loving him, is not possible at all fulfilling relationship. Today, many relationships fail precisely because there are people who are not whole devoted to the specific relationship, but knowingly or unknowingly keep different variants of "b" or the idea that you can find something better.

If a person has not made a conscious choice to be with another person, the development of the specific relationship can be greatly hindered. But you have to admit also that it is by no means an easy step. It's actually a very brave decision, completely abandoning anything else options, just like getting into a boat where there is only water all around. And then both together in this boat, the couple can choose, how to live - they can be at war with each other or cooperate, overcoming their pride, selfishness, narcissism and build long-lasting, lasting relationships.

But a lasting relationship does not necessarily mean that there will be no ups and downs, right?

Yes, it seems to be another one of the great relationship myths - there are no disagreements or crises in a harmonious relationship. However, it is not the truth. Being in a relationship, you have to accept that there will be crises, and in fact, it is impossible to grow and develop without them.

No matter how hideous each crisis is and no matter how difficult it is to be able to talk to each other during them, still every crisis is an opportunity to move on to the next level of relationship, which is much deeper, more authentic and true. I also believe that it is possible to prepare for every crisis. This should be done at a time when everything is fine in the relationship, because such preparation will provide the necessary resources and reserves for more difficult phases of the relationship.

What do you think such preparation includes?

I think it's definitely dating, spending time together. My husband and I started practicing it six years ago years, and now regular weekly dates for two are an integral part of our relationship. Everyday life is often like that fast, children occupy a large part of the time and have no time left for each other. It's easy to lose each other without one regular going out of the house, outside the usual daily rhythm.

But what to do if the loss has already happened?

Here we come to another big myth, namely that we have to deal with everything ourselves. I believe that there are problems you have to talk, you have to find a solution for them, you have to call for help.

1. There are various options for couples - relationship courses, camps, couples therapy, which has also helped my husband a lot. One of the greatest joys I get in life is the feeling of a job well done after a psychotherapy session, especially after couples therapy, when we've both come through another crisis healthy, happy and even closer. Feel the relationship again and again in a new quality is probably one of the nicest things you've ever experienced.

   

2. Second, we must learn to communicate with each other. My husband and I, for example, are very different, but that's exactly what makes us teaches, creates. The ability of partners to be emotionally close is based on their ability to accept each other. The more we alone we accept the other and we ourselves are accepted, because we remain emotionally closer.

   

Author of the article: LIENE PÄLĆA

Photo: GATIS LOČMELIS