Because we have entered them without loving ourselves. Not knowing yourself. And making decisions that are not based in our authenticity.

Relationships are fair when we choose a partner in love and in respect , and have allowed each other to get to know our various sides. When we do not harbor resentment or anger, but honestly, openly and respectfully share our vision and feelings. When we do not run away from ourselves, but allow ourselves to drop the veils acquired during life, behind which the true, authentic identity is hidden. When we know who we are and what we expect from life. When we are open about our expectations. When we go deep.

True love does not require someone to fill our voids, imperfections or create happiness

They say that you must first love yourself and only then can you love another. Checked. Not tested. It really is. Because first of all you have to fall in love with yourself and life. Everyday trifles. In the way the sun's rays shine through the window on a white snowy day. In how haunting music gives you goosebumps. In the way the water flows over the skin and caresses it. And this is exactly how you can learn to love yourself and life - by getting used to feeling lightness, tenderness and pleasure through these "habits". Love starts inside, not outside. In yourself.

Ever since a person has been allowed to choose his own partner (rather than parents agreeing to preserve the family's money and status in society), we have expected that a partner will make us happy. But this is not his responsibility! Yes, it is quite wrong to be in a relationship where your partner makes you unhappy, but expecting the other to be responsible for your own happiness is also wrong.

Being unhappy and unsatisfied on your own and expecting to be happy when you're in a relationship is unfair. This is shifting responsibility from yourself, inadequate expectations from your partner, and as a result, disappointment and failure are guaranteed. These are ideas that you have not agreed upon.

As long as you don't love yourself, it's easy to lose true love, even if you find it. In this state, we see more of the veil of illusion and expectations than the real person behind it. On the other hand, when we love ourselves, we are respectfully aware of our strengths and weaknesses, we know how to appreciate and accept them in others as well. The aspect of humanity enters the relationship. A real encounter with real love happens when you fall in love with yourself. You create the way you want and what you want, and don't expect someone else to do it for you.

The inability to love oneself brings with it many mistakes. One of them – sacrifice in relationships . In a relationship, you need to find compromises and common denominators, not sacrifices. How wrong it is that for a long time we have not respected and loved ourselves so much that we have given up what really excites us and what we really want to experience in life, just to please someone else. But does someone else need your sacrifice? No, it's an illusion again. No one needs your unhappiness. No one should become responsible for it. If love asks you to leave yourself, then you know... it's not love. And when you love yourself, you will never tear the void inside you.

Read more: Conscious relationship

When pain repeats itself from one relationship to another, you have chosen paternalism instead of love

We choose the familiar, nudien. And this also happens when we do not know ourselves and identify with observed relationship patterns and childhood traumas. Patterns arise from what you saw as a child, from the environment in which you grew up and were formed, from inherited beliefs and from the fear of being alone or unloved. A mask is put on, but before it is put on, a guessing game is played "who will I be suitable, accepted and loved with this partner". The partners change, but the game remains the same. None of this is love. And in fact, cinema and heartbreaking novels have also messed up the portrayal of love. They also show that painful, elusive 'love' that must be chased to be earned, longed for and made to suffer. In true love we feel safe. We feel that we are at home, not on the battlefield of fighting and proving ourselves. Passion is exciting, but not long-term happiness.

Change yourself, instead of asking your partner

In an ideal world, we would meet and accept each other as we are. In the real healthy one, we hone in respectfully, preserving our individuality and not giving up our dreams. In the real toxic case, we blame the other and try to change everything. And if he does not change, we call him a villain.

When you stop waiting for the other person to change, you see that in every relationship there is a hidden gem that is meant for you - so that you discover a side of yourself that needs healing, hurting and fixing. And it may be that the relationship you are already in is the relationship of your dreams, which will change with you when you start working on yourself. But be careful - sometimes we normalize abuse by excusing the abuser and blaming ourselves. Look carefully.

Life is not something that happens by itself. The specific relationship does not get on your agenda by accident. Life responds to your thoughts, feelings and actions. You create it. You create life. And when you choose to look inside instead of outside, love stops being heavy and difficult.

Who will admit to himself that he creates unhappy relationships? Yes, we don't choose them with our mind, it doesn't happen consciously. That is why it is so important to work with our awareness, with what we choose, what we allow and how we react. With how much we believe in our own power to create.

What bad will happen if we become honest in our relationship?

True - human behavior has long been such that something bad will happen if you become honest and open. But imagine how silly it is for everyone to pretend! If you ask a partner whose face is broken, what happened, he angrily replies: "Nothing!" And you ask a second time, and get exactly the same answer as the first time. Meanwhile, the grain of resentment grows bigger and bigger until it becomes a fruit that must be picked so that it does not begin to rot near its creator. How senseless it is to adapt to the other by denying our true desires - and at the same time as denying ourselves, we also deny our partner, thus - adapting to a fantasy invented in our own mind.

But do you know - to become honest is to give yourself freedom. Not from a partner. The freedom of the taste of life, the freedom of the depth of life and relationships. Because as long as we are not honest, we are only swimming on the surface. And it's not very interesting.

Then how to get there - in honest relationships?

• Learning to be honest with yourself. When making a choice, ask yourself what you really think about it. What do you think if you drop the expectations of others in your mind; others' really expressed expectations and society's stereotypes.
• Yes, it's not easy at first. Start with small steps.
• If it is difficult to determine your true desires, listen to your super tool - your body. The body says ahead; it tells faster and more truly than the mind.
• Don't rush into a new relationship until you understand how you got into the previous one and what you learned in it. Define - why you need a new relationship. What contribution will they make?
• Practice being respectfully truthful every day. In any relationship, not just a romantic one.
• Do not confuse this with disrespect.
• If you are in a relationship - learn to tell yourself. Also, learn to listen and hear.
• Rationally separate yourself from emotions. Be like an observer who experiences the emotion but does not become it. Look deeper - where did this emotion come from?
• Do not create illusions about a partner. Neither good nor bad. If in doubt, ask openly.
• Love yourself and others. We are all human. We all learn, make mistakes and grow together.

Let it be!

Author of the article: Ieva Simanoviča