She stands in the rain, hiding her tears, now imperceptibly mixing with the cold raindrops on her cheeks. The mobile phone in the hands is silent. No message, no call. Just a heartbreaking emptiness that suffocates from within. This is not the first time she feels this way - misunderstood, abandoned, emptied. She feels herself fading away, slowly becoming a shadow of her own life.

Relationship mentor: Zane Ozoliņa

Just a year ago, he had promised everything - eternal love, security, the home of their common dreams. She believed. And how can you not believe? His smile was hypnotizing, his words like a song that promises to bring the world to your feet. But over time, sharpness appeared in his voice and coolness in his smile. Promises became demands, love became control, and she increasingly felt herself falling into the abyss and losing herself.

"Why did you do that?" he asked, his eyes accusing her of something she hadn't done. "I love you, but you hurt me." Those words were like a knife blade cutting into her heart, and she tried again to adapt, to change, just to earn his appreciation. However, no matter how hard she tried, it was never enough. She relented and remained silent. She became a victim at the center of his world and at the same time completely invisible.

But there, under the gray sky, in the cold that permeated her body, she begins to realize the truth for the first time. It's not love. It's a power, control and emotional game. And she had lost that game. Is it really too late? Is there really no way back to yourself?

This is a story about a toxic relationship - how it slowly destroys our self-confidence, exposes our soul and makes us forget who we are. However, it is also a story of awakening, strength, and the path to healing. Therefore, if you saw yourself in this story, this article is for you. Maybe now is the right time to take the first step towards freedom.

Toxic relationships and own toxicity

There are relationships that give us wings, and there are relationships that slowly, without realizing it, make us descend lower and lower. It's not just arguments or misunderstandings, it's a relationship where love starts to suffocate. A toxic relationship between a man and a woman is a complex emotional knot that often involves both partners. Toxic relationships - those where we not only suffer, but also become co-authors of our own pain and maintainers of toxic dynamics.

Most often it starts with small signals: constant criticism, controlling behavior or emotional alienation. However, before you realize it, you are already stuck in your role - someone criticizes, someone makes excuses, someone saves. And so we all become participants in an invisible but destructive game that Stephen Karpman called the drama triangle, which helps explain why toxic relationships are so hard to break and how they point to the inner toxicity of both partners.

The inevitable game: Karpman's triangle

Have you ever had the feeling that you are like a savior trying to fix a situation when no one is really asking for it? Or as a victim who blames others for his failures and waits for someone to come to his rescue? Or perhaps as an aggressor who, in a moment of intemperance, becomes the manager of the situation, blaming others? These roles form a drama triangle, a never-ending cycle that maintains the toxic dynamic in the relationship.

At first it may seem that it is simply an incompatibility or a "difficult period" in the relationship. However, in reality, this triangle is like a labyrinth - each of the roles pulls you in even deeper, and you cannot find a way out if you do not understand who put you there.

The partner becomes the aggressor, you become the victim. Or maybe you are the one who always "fixes" things by sacrificing yourself and becoming the savior? These role reversals happen seamlessly, and by the time you realize what's happening, the relationship has already accumulated so much pain that getting out seems impossible.

Or do I have toxicity?

It's an inconvenient truth: toxic relationships exist because there are two parties involved. It may be painful to admit, but being in such a relationship points to our own toxicity. Why do we allow ourselves to be controlled, criticized or ignored? Why do we keep trying to save someone who doesn't want to be saved?

Childhood experiences are often hidden under these roles. Maybe we have learned that love is about suffering – “if I feel pain and strong emotions, then it is love”. Maybe we fear loneliness so much that we choose toxic relationships rather than end them. And perhaps we ourselves find some satisfaction in the drama that toxic dynamics create – it provides a short-term dopamine rush.

According to psychological research, toxic relationships most often occur already in childhood - people later repeat the patterns they experienced in the family. For example, if a child grew up in an environment where love was associated with pain or conditioning, he or she is more likely to accept toxic behavior patterns as the norm as an adult.

How does our own toxicity sustain relationships?

It is important to understand that being in a toxic relationship does not just mean that we are victims. It often also points to our own emotional flaws or toxic patterns:

• Role Dependence – People unconsciously seek out situations where they can be victims or saviors because it confirms their worth and provides temporary emotional satisfaction.
• Low self-esteem - People with low self-esteem often choose partners who confirm their negative self-esteem, such as criticizing or belittling them.
• Cycle of Perpetual Conflict - Parties involved become emotionally addicted to the drama of a toxic relationship because of the dopamine rush associated with the intense emotions.

But how long can this maze continue? Is love really just a constant role-playing game where no one feels free?

Why do we stay in toxic relationships?

Scientific studies indicate that the persistence of toxic relationships is often linked to dopamine cycling caused by emotional fluctuations. When there is conflict in a relationship, our stress increases, but repair brings a temporary sense of happiness. This moment of relief stimulates the release of dopamine, making partners emotionally and hormonally dependent.

In addition, social stereotypes and pressures, especially for women, often encourage staying in a relationship: "What if he changes? How will I cope alone?" This fear, combined with guilt and addiction, often prevents people from taking a step forward.

The Road to Freedom: Breaking the Triangle

Breakthrough begins with awareness. When you see this game - the reversal of roles, the cycle of drama - you get a chance to stop it. It doesn't happen overnight, but every step you take brings you closer to freedom.

1. Stop and analyze

Ask yourself: what is my role in this relationship? Am I a rescuer, a victim or an aggressor? What is my responsibility in this cycle? Only by taking responsibility for your role can you change it.

2. Set boundaries

Learn to say no to emotional manipulation or disrespect. Also learn to say "no" to yourself - to your toxic habits. For example, if you always try to solve the other person's problems, change your position and let him take responsibility for himself.

3. Break the cycle; learn healthy communication

Drama only lasts as long as you're in it. If the partner starts a conflict, stop his usual reaction. Don't start explaining, don't blame - just don't get involved. Karpman's triangle cycle can be broken through open but compassionate communication. Instead of blaming or manipulating, focus on your own feelings and needs.

4. Know yourself and work with your inner toxicity

Psychotherapy, books on the subject, and self-reflection are ways to understand your deepest fears and addictions. What role do you play not only in the relationship, but in life in general? Do you really love yourself, or are you trying to find love that you can't give yourself?

Life After Toxicity: A New Beginning

When you break this cycle, you open the door to a life free of constant struggle and emotional weight. Yes, it will probably be lonely. It may be painful to confront your usual role and change your relationships with the people around you, drawing your personal boundaries. However, after the healing of each wound, there is room for something new - a relationship in which there is respect, trust and harmony.

Toxic relationships are not just about what the other person does. They are also about what we allow ourselves. But when we begin to learn to love ourselves – not through the praise of others or the intensity of drama, but through peace and acceptance – we become free.

Breaking out of toxicity is not the end of the story. This is the beginning of it. We become the authors of our own lives, no longer playing roles that limit us. And only then can we experience love that is truly liberating.

Life after a toxic relationship

Healing from a toxic relationship takes time. It is normal to experience doubt, loneliness, or even the desire to return to the toxic partner. But when you start focusing on yourself and your needs, your inner strength grows.

Remember that you can have relationships in your life that have respect, love and support. Toxic relationships are not the norm in life; they are a warning sign that it is time to learn to love yourself and find a partner who can appreciate it.

Life outside of toxicity is easier, cleaner and full of possibilities. The first step is the beginning of new, healthy stories.

Author of the article: relationship and personality development mentor Zane Ozoliņa