How did it all start for us before the wedding?

… We talked, talked, talked… about everything that came to mind. And it was so easy and good - as if we had been together for years no, since the very, very beginning would be known.

And there was no feeling of discomfort or shame even about the most hidden and strange thoughts before the wedding, we could do anything to speak easily and freely without hiding, pretending or pretending to be better. There was no doubt or mistrust; only a sense of security and complete trust, a desire to listen and be heard.

I once studied a poem at school; such light poignancy, which seemed to talk about the same thing - the need to be present, to be together. I remember the lines "...count even once, repeat the alphabet"...; no matter what happens, be with me at least that's how I perceived it. Now, when more and more often communication takes place virtually and everything seems so simple and close - right here, on our phones, tablets, just a smile or a text away - that we are really looking at each other secondly, we talked instead of sending emotional symbols, which was probably the determining factor why we decided to be together even before the wedding. To be a family.

It seems that we have said everything, well, everything that needs to be said before the wedding. But are we?

I talked to some acquaintances who are now married - what they thought was the most important, what should be agreed on, what must can be discussed together before the wedding.

Ieva (33 years old, married for four years) – "I thought it was important to talk about the big issues, first of all about children (will we both want them someday), religion (what relationship do we each have with it), money and career related things (what we want to achieve in our profession, what we are ready to donate to the family and what not, we also talked about marriage the contract we decided to conclude)".

Lara (26, newly married) – "We have quite different hobbies, so it was important to agree that everyone also needs their own space, their own activities, which the other will in no way try to exterminate or transform "by to his own". And what will be the things that we will do together."

Inta (45 years old, married for 19 years) – "As strange as it may sound now, we wanted to agree on what is our task before the wedding and in marriage, a mission, it can also be called a goal. That's when we decided that it would be children, if God and nature have decided it. And a really strong family in several generations."

"It's a bit sensitive topic, about which we still wanted clarity - the relationship with the other party's parents, family. Not because we anticipate misunderstandings in advance (in fact, we even have a great relationship!), but because to assure each other that our family will always come first, while at the same time not limiting the other in any way we want and need to meet our loved ones - that's Anna (35 years old, married for two years, seven in total).

Yes - I guess you can't assume that he - my future - thinks exactly the same way as I do about all things.

Thinking of:

FOR CHILDREN

We should openly talk with children about whether we want children at all or not; do we want them as soon as possible or sometime in the near or distant future; what will we do if there are no children for some reason, but we both want them; or both the state of health currently causes some concern in this regard. I know my fiance has an aversion to it for small children, the parents are to blame here, who made him take care of his younger brother - and instead of a teenager, to to spend time with his friends, he had to not only look after his twelve years younger brother, but even change diapers. He talks about it as if it were a joke, but I understand that the mistake made by his parents, forcing a young too much responsibility for a child can backfire in our family. However, if I know this, I will also know what to do after for a wedding.

HEALTH

It is important to discuss health-related issues before the wedding. It is only normal if in the early stages of dating (even after starting a cohabitation) no one wants to announce their health problems out loud, however, in a longer cohabitation they become so and it will not be able to hide. An open conversation is also definitely needed about what kind of healthy lifestyle, including eating principles are (or are not!) important to everyone, what physical activities are favorite, what could be done together.

FINANCE

Money, career... How about without it? Even though my mom laughs that she only argues about money when it's (too) little, clarity must be there in any case. Will we have a marriage contract, if there is one - or about joint property or separation (read article MARRIAGE AGREEMENT BEFORE WEDDING ); does he agree that I have my job as important to him as his, or he would prefer that I not work at all; what will he say or do if let me know - I want to study again? What are our priorities (each separately and both together) - career, own business development and making money, success in sports, creative fields, self-improvement? It wouldn't hurt also discuss purely practical issues related to loans, various payments; also about (hopefully clean theoretically) for possible financial problems or failures.

RELIGION

Religion-related issues can quite unexpectedly turn out to be a bigger obstacle to a good relationship with the future husband (or wife's) family than it might seem at first. My sister's husband's family is very religious; both of us, on the other hand, are more like that we go to church twice a year (at Christmas and Easter...), we are not even baptized. I know how difficult it was for my sister arrange a wedding with the future husband's family, because she refused to marry in the church, but the future mother-in-law insisted on a Catholic church traditions. What matters is how much we are ready to compromise (and how fair it is to compromise religion in general questions), how much we are ready to accept and whether we are ready to be together, each of us sticking to our own views; like ours the different views could affect the upbringing of the children (when there are any!).

More? Also, of course, all kinds of seemingly minor, but many practical questions before the wedding. Where we will live, what the most necessary purchases we need at the beginning of marriage, how will we spend time both together and each separately, or we will have pets, and more, and more.

Yes, and indeed - what will be the main task of our family, the errand after the wedding? Do we already know that?

Author of the article: LIENE PÄLĆA

Photo: LINDA LAUVA