Determining your priorities is necessary in order to understand what to focus your attention on before anything else and what to spend your efforts on, especially time and energy.

Every time I say yes to someone, I know in advance how many nos it will cost me. First of all - for yourself. Prioritization is not about setting boundaries. Priorities determine the order, while limits determine the permitted measures.

If there is no hierarchy of goals, it is easy to spill out in all directions at once. Spending yourself to the point of zero and supplements not getting any joy from the result. Entering a lost girl state where you are not aware of your personal desires (oh, how good it would be to want!) and you constantly want to sleep, but at five in the morning you realize that you are sleeping with your eyes open and studying the ceiling. You hope that a holiday will come and everyone will be saved, but it comes and comes without taking off your shoes - you don't have time to cool the tea and air out the room.

When there is no hierarchy of goals, the forces are consumed not on the most important thing, but on the first thing that comes to hand, and a large part of it goes away worried that you will not succeed and will not be able to cope. Here's why it's important to prioritize:

• so that the recovery time is scheduled in the budget of the task, rather than being distributed according to the principle of the balance;
• to keep the strength to be happy, to laugh wholeheartedly and to perceive humor adequately in general (jokes seem annoying in a tired state);
• so that you have the strength to take care of yourself in times of crisis, thanks to the created financial cushion and warm support from close people.

If you can't say to yourself: "This is important to me right now and this is not", you can immerse yourself in work and then think that something is wrong with you, if you once again did not notice how half a year flew by.

By setting priorities, we show respect for the limitations of our resources. If we understand why we are doing something, we can endure difficulties more easily, because the motivation in this case flows from within. The very freedom of choice as to which of the things to take and what price to pay turns us from a paper boat in a stream into a cheerful yellow submarine.

The list of possible priorities - guided by it, it will be easier for you to formulate your personal list.

Priority of relations (children, family, friendship, partnership). This is when you can postpone work to meet your girlfriend or go to a party in kindergarten. When you know what your actions will upset your friend and make an effort to prevent it.

Rest and recovery priority. When you don't tidy up the apartment, if you feel tired, even if guests are expected. When you ask your husband or child to watch TV with headphones because you need silence.

Priority of pleasure. When you go running or go to fitness classes, it's not because you want to lose weight, but because you like exercise. When you don't buy things that you don't like in terms of touch, color or are healthy but not tasty. When you choose not what is more correct, but what you like.

Financial priority. When it is more important for you to earn as much as possible, even if you have to sacrifice sleep, holidays, communication with friends and family. When you have a person next to you whom you don't love, but who provides you with money.

Career priority . When you work longer than the contract to exceed the results. When you play by company rules, often unwritten, to climb the career ladder.

Safety priority. When you read a document carefully before signing it. When you have an airbag that is not touched. When you don't agree to be a guarantor for a large loan, even if a close friend is asking for it. When you follow the speed limit, even if it's a highway and there are no cameras.

Common goal priority. When you work around the clock with your colleagues so that the team can deliver the project on time. When you make a joint decision in the family about who will go on maternity leave and who will earn money for the family. When you carefully plan financial expenses with your partner, if there is a larger purchase ahead.

Priority of peace of soul. When you decide not to go to a traditional lunch with your relatives, so as not to hear how wrong you are living. When you don't do things that require you to hide from the SRS or other authorities, to be afraid of calls from unknown numbers or to avoid meeting someone.

By determining what is most important to you and what is secondary, you strengthen your inner strength and create a firm foundation under your feet: no matter what happens, you will always be able to rely on an already established system of priorities in order to adapt to new challenges and changes as gently as possible, without collapsing like a house of cards at the slightest movement.

How to arrange your priorities?

What else can you rely on in determining your priorities without reason? To the feeling when everything inside trembles and jumps with joy. It is not necessarily always (it is hardly always possible), but once in a while - definitely. This is how we feel a slight uplift, which is not yet love, but is already sympathy and interest - full of excitement, unpredictability and excitement. And the heart beats faster, stronger, and you understand - there is very little left until the full lighting in your head, when all the lights will light up and the celebration will begin.

Poetry, paintings, photographs, texts, the best conversations - all this arises from a state in which the whole body trembles, ants run and something drives you forward. If from the thought of something you feel that light flows inside, interest and curiosity are born - this is a sign that you should go in this direction. Our heart has its own taste buds. They can be trusted.

Another thing that can help with prioritization is meaningfulness. The hunger for a sense of meaning appears especially vividly together with the awareness of how fast life is . When you suddenly realize that you don't want to tackle projects that don't have a clear tangible result and real usefulness. When you don't want to write texts that don't match your values, even if they are ready to pay well for them.

No amount of money can quench the hunger for meaning. Where there is meaning, there is joy, where it is harder to burn out, give up halfway, run out and get stuck in a dead end.

We don't have that much time to waste ourselves imitating endless actions.

It is very important to allow yourself to respect your priorities, not to be ashamed of them, not to feel guilty for not wanting to cut off a piece of yourself and give it to someone else. That instead of "I'm good to mom" you choose "I'm different to mom, but right now something else is more important to me". My sleep. My health . My children. My career. My house. My chance to choose what music to dance to. And with whom.

It is absolutely normal to focus on what fulfills you and makes you happy: work at your own pace, read a book with a cat on your lap on a day off instead of finishing a presentation, work for yourself instead of being under someone's command. It is absolutely normal not to do what drains you and not want to "get stronger" and "grow thick skin" at such a price.

Therefore, the next time you catch yourself saying "sorry, I don't have time for this", be sure to keep this phrase in your head with "because I have something else more important right now". Or say it out loud.

Difficulties in setting priorities. What to do?

Difficulties can arise if you served other people's interests for a long time and lost yourself in these concerns. And now it seems that you do not know what you want, because you have formed the habit of only reacting: answering questions, not asking them; obey rather than show initiative; swim downstream, not where you need to be. Next, I will tell you how you can help yourself to get out of this situation and get yourself back to yourself.

When life seems to be spiraling out of control

If you are just starting to organize your priorities and base yourself on your values, you probably have a familiar feeling, as if you are not deciding anything - you are running like a hamster in a wheel, but you are not getting any return. It is a rather unpleasant condition that can lead to learned helplessness, which means that when there is no connection between the effort and the result, the person gives up and loses the will to do anything.

In this case, I recommend making decisions as much as possible every day and in any situation. Not about where to live, but simpler ones - drink coffee or tea, ride a bus or call a taxi, put on a dress or pants, write with a black or blue pen, wash your hair or not, do something now or later. This training is necessary for you to believe in yourself that you are able to control your life and influence its events. The more you practice making small decisions, the more confident you will feel when you have to make a big decision.

Depressing wording

We can discover very surprising things if we listen to how we explain to ourselves why we do something. The phrases "I have to do" and "I need to do" are heard most often. Try to change them to "I want", "I like", "I know I can", "I have the strength to...", "I have enough time to...". And feel how your body responds to these new phrases. I want, I can, I like, I have. These words contain a great resource for self-support.

Fear of facing other people's dissatisfaction

Afraid of being called egoistic, conceited, snobbish. Refusing to do something for someone can be accompanied by shame and guilt - it must be endured and lived through. (The good news is that it won't last more than a couple of days, but you will have what you stood for, time and strength.)

What can you do when you say "no" to someone else, to say "yes" to yourself and stick to your priorities, but you have no intention of slamming the door on the person and ruining the relationship:

• offer an alternative – postpone the meeting, do less or only a part;
• to help with another resource - not with your participation, but with money or contacts;
• to express sympathy or support with words – showing the person that he has been heard, that he is not an empty space.

Desire to control everything

This, in turn, goes hand in hand with the problem of delegation. It is a harmful illusion of omnipotence - you cannot fit everything in yourself. Chasing it means willingly accepting huge levels of anxiety and burnout in the long term. In that case, I offer to arrange priorities, starting from the one where the price for mistakes is higher. Responding to customer calls and emails promptly may be very important to you, but doing so while behind the wheel can cost you your life.

The need to be useful everywhere and always

In my view, at its root is the desire for recognition and assessment of your importance from other people. To praise, pat and, ideally, say: "What would we do without you!" If you look deeper and try to find out why it is important to you to be praised, you can reveal the need for gratitude and appreciation of efforts. You will realize that you are ready to invest only where your nature is noticed and appreciated, not taken for granted.

Crazy Carousel

We are talking about such a rhythm of life, where dozens of pages are opened every day in the Internet browser, messages marked "urgent" appear in communication applications and e-mail, the phone rings continuously, ten books are read in parallel and none of them is bookmarked at least half way. It becomes practically impossible to filter out what is important and what is not, and you want to disconnect from everything and immediately.

How to help yourself cope with endless tasks:

• arranges the tasks by deadlines and those with the closest deadline are completed first;
• turn off the sound of notifications on the phone - you will hear the calls, but you will not be distracted and review the messages when it is convenient for you, as well as set the silence mode for group chats;
• don't force yourself to read the whole book, if you set yourself the goal of reading a specific number of books per year, instead read the chapters that resonate with your interest and information request - nothing crazy will happen and the author won't know about it;
• do not be afraid to discuss the priorities of tasks with those who set them (director, head of department) - let them decide what is more important to them. Thus, the management will be informed which task you will perform now and which one afterwards;
• remember and use the phrase: "I need time to think". Yes, you have the right to say so. Always.

Desire for everything and at once

First, find out how long the offer you are interested in will be valid for. A lot happens regularly and will not go away. Respectively, you can join something or do something after half a year or a year, when you will deal with the current one (and check once in a while if you still want it). Before you write another "very important" task in your planner, check if there will be a place and time for it in your life.

Sorting out priorities makes life more stable and you more pleasant to those around you. There is nothing wrong with the words "something else is more important to me now".

Do not neglect preparation for a longer and more difficult period and priority in the future (long-term project, pregnancy, decree or leaving it, receiving another education, moving to another country, etc.). Think about how you will renew your strength, determine your "joy stops" that will motivate you to continue on your way. Think about what you will have to give up temporarily (or forever) and be sure to "mourn" this loss in advance, survive this divorce.

Take into account the limitation of your resources and do not expect everything possible and impossible from yourself. There are usually not many important things. Let your priorities protect you from casual connections with the big world and safely protect your stage of life in which you are.

Cherish and nurture your inner ants. Don't ask what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you alive. And then go and do it. The world needs living people.

Author of the article: relationship mentor Zane Ozoliņa