Human freedom ends where the other's personal boundaries begin, so consent (English - consent ) is an integral part of a respectful life and the basis of any relationship, especially intimate ones. The ability to give and receive it allows you to avoid misunderstandings and unpleasant situations without hurting yourself or others.

Even if you are in a long-term relationship , you should not assume that you simply know what your partner feels, thinks and will do in each situation, so continuous communication plays an important role - it is not only necessary, but also improves the quality of sexual relations. Consulted by SexyStyle expert, sexuality researcher and teacher Natalya Sorokina.

The body remembers everything

Both dating time and stable long-term relationships and marriage bring with them a range of emotions - joy, excitement, love and expectations. Sometimes these feelings can be confusing, especially when it comes to intimacy and sex. Think about it, is there something that you haven't told your partner or were ashamed to ask for peace of mind?

Consent - allowing the other to perform some action related to oneself - is usually thought of in relation to short-term relationships and, unfortunately, also sexual violence and conflicts in the family, but consent itself is completely positive and can be applied to all life stages and situations. It is, first of all, about setting healthy boundaries, trusting one's feelings, which starts already in childhood, when the child is aware of his body as only his own and inviolable without permission.

However, a person is a social being and tends to feel appropriate, so in adulthood, for various reasons, he often makes compromises with himself, fearing that others might not understand his "red lines". For example, if we don't like to hug, but we do it because it is customary among friends or colleagues, we are already crossing our boundaries. With the mind, it seems like a small concession, but the body does not forget these experiences and the "swallowed toads". Especially when similar situations happen again and again.

Hear each other

No matter how loving and long-lasting a couple is in a relationship, it does not stand still and is based on the harmony of two different personalities, so the issue of consent does not lose its relevance for a moment. Being together in itself does not mean being at peace with everything your partner wants, and vice versa. But differences of opinion, including issues of intimacy, are nothing dramatic - if they are talked about, then they can be resolved, in this way, moreover, making the relationship even stronger and more respectful.

The more developed the skill of being open and hearing each other, the easier it will be to deal with disagreements in other cases of life as well. Open communication encourages and inspires the other person to act similarly - no one would like to be in a situation where they unknowingly do something unpleasant to the other person, but they just grit their teeth and say nothing.

A situation often arises in which one of the partners, for example, a man, wants to make love, but the woman is not in the mood. But instead of her sharing her feelings and telling how things could be improved, or agreeing on a different plan for the evening, sex happens anyway without any changes. Why? Most often, because we feel internal pressure created by ourselves, we do not want to upset the other person or make him feel unwanted. However, such a scenario does not benefit anyone, because the greatest pleasure can be obtained when both are mentally present in the process. Maybe the evening would have turned out much better if the man had listened to his beloved, but she - openly said that she only wanted to make love / would rather make love in the morning / would do it differently than last time /...

If the partner still exerts pressure, making you feel indebted to him, blackmailing, threatening or presenting any intimate activity as an obligation, this is a serious "red flag" and a reason to reevaluate the relationship.

Asks, therefore cares

Does asking for consent kill romance and passion? Not at all! Communication can also be sexy. Finding out and taking into account the wishes of the other expresses concern for the partner, shows mutual trust and means - «I want you to be comfortable, to feel good and safe with me, so that we can experience wonderful moments together». Intimacy can be talked about both in the bedroom and outside it. "Is this good?", "Do you want to continue?", "Is the pace OK?" - these and other questions are quite normal to ask during intimate play, even in long-term relationships, but especially when trying something new.

If something doesn't work out and one of the partners gets unpleasant feelings, it's worth stopping, understanding together what happened and, if there's a mutual desire, to change this in the future. Turning your back and trying to fall asleep in awkward silence will certainly not turn the situation for the better and only the default in most relationships. Pauses during intimate play are natural and have their advantages - they can prolong the pleasant activity, preventing the man from climaxing so quickly, and the woman - experiencing a more intense orgasm. Emilija Nagoska's book « Love who you are », which is also recently translated into Latvian, is also dedicated to women's sexual well-being.

Without reproaches

It is nice to discuss what you like or don't like, what you want or don't want, how it is used to be, or what you would like to change in your intimate life, even in completely neutral conditions. The most important thing is not to do it in a reproachful way, as if turning to the other person, but to express your emotions, to speak through your "I".

For example, if you feel uncomfortable when your loved one kisses you in the presence of your parents or in public places, a good way to express it would be something like this: "If you want to kiss me when we are not alone, please ask first, because such situations make me nervous", avoiding "I don't like it when you approach me without permission!" Communicating your desires sensitively and setting boundaries shows trust, not dissatisfaction with your loved one or the relationship in general! On the other hand, if the partner repeatedly does something that you objected to, it is worth finding out whether the person has really forgotten or not noticed it, or is thus demonstrating indifference and considers his wishes superior.

To make conversations about sex easier, being together will be relaxed and exciting with card games for couples! Prepared questions, depending on the chosen set, will allow you to find out your partner's opinion on a wide variety of topics related to intimacy, from the deep to the spicy.

When a relationship is based on consent, both partners know that there is nothing they should not ask of the other in or out of bed, but you can be sure that nothing will happen until both have given their enthusiastic consent. Less misunderstandings, more enjoyment. This is sexy!

You can learn more about consent and how to talk about sex by watching SexyStyle expert, sexuality researcher and teacher Natalya Sorokina video lecture , as well as attending SexyStyle master classes and couples consultations .

Article author: SexyStyle