Ever since we were able to perceive the world of images, we have imbibed the fantasy of an easy and unforced miracle of love that happens when you meet your "Real", and that this "Real" will not be a hair worse than the prince or princess seen in the movies.

I myself belong to women who, since the third month of the relationship... say, are waiting for the next step from the man, introducing the anticipation and longing of the proposal into their daily agenda, in the middle of the morning shower, meals and visiting the store. Until then, I wait...but the expected moment of happiness turns out to be rather misleading.

So - what to do when your loved one finally truly proposes, but the "Yes" you said yourself turns your life into outbursts of anxiety, fear and indescribable sadness?

Does this mean that I have made a terrible, unfathomable mistake? Because if you really loved and if he/she really WAS the Real One, you would be swimming in the manna sea of ​​the seventh heaven right now... or at least that's what the public, modern culture says.

Of course, many of us really FEEL happy and fulfilled both in the moment of our engagement and in the subsequent preparation process. But there are just as many - if not more - who struggle inside themselves with emotions that are born in many moments of great change: mourning, insecurity, uncertainty, doubt, fear of the future (unknown), even loneliness and vulnerability.

One of the biggest differences between getting married and, for example, buying a new apartment, is that when you express your insecurities and fears about the purchase during the process of buying an apartment, no one will freeze in horror or say "oh my, you are probably making a big mistake", because everyone is aware that a person tends to be nervous or even regretful before making a big purchase, and this is a natural reaction.

Then why do people talk about their dream purchases, but not before the decision of marriage?

The answer is to be found in our consumer-culture fantasies about love and marriage, combined with the moments of blissful engagement generously publicized by real people (including our friends, acquaintances and relatives). Starting with Disney cartoons, little girls are encouraged to believe that "once you meet your prince, you'll just know it." In the teenage years, the baton is taken over by pop music, where the lyrics of every second song sing about "soulmate", "the only real one", etc., followed by romantic films with similar messages, served in different sauces suitable for everyone's taste.

And further - we know well how it happens. After several long or short relationships, likes and dates, you meet him. Fall in love immediately or after a while, you are good together, he has a great sense of humor, your interests and tastes match, he (this can just as well be viewed the other way around - he for her, ... when the countables are changed, the sum does not change) embodies the qualities that appeal to you and attract you. It's easy for both of you - both in everyday life and on trips. Families also support your relationship. And the sex keeps getting better... In fact, you can imagine the rest of your life with him. And you can't wait for him to propose.

And he proposes.

And you say “Yes”.

And before you can come to your senses, you are already speeding on the merry-go-round of your fears. Will it be for life? Won't we stop loving each other? Will I be able to replicate the model marriage of my parents? Didn't I have better sex with the previous man? And… what if I don't love him at all? If I loved, I would be tormented by doubts now, wouldn't I?

And you don't know who you can share these feelings with in order to be truly understood and supported. So as not to fall even deeper into self-reproach or the murky waters of uncertainty.

Society has come a long and complicated way to breaking boundaries in such areas of life and topics as sex, money, gender and diseases (such as depression, eating disorders, dystonias, etc.) However, if we talk about marriage and love as such, there is still a considerable distance to measure here. Because there are so many unspoken and taboo topics, which, in this case, leads to the conclusion - "doubt definitely means - don't need it".

No, doubt does NOT always mean - don't need it.

They reveal that you are a prudent, evaluating person who rationally evaluates and weighs your relationships before committing yourself to a lifelong commitment. In my opinion, if this topic were more often honestly disclosed and the cloud of awkwardness gathered around it dissipated, it could even be accepted as a necessary and healthy part of engagement, driving the ravens of self-flagellation, panic attacks and depression to the point of no return.

And if only... if only I had known it in time and included it in my life, without becoming a victim of such trivial crooked mirrors of information, probably a lot of things in my life would be different.

As we have already said, doubts and fears accompany us at every moment of major life changes. And doubt is by no means an indicator of a dead end. They invite questions. They invite you to talk. Aug. They encourage you to discover yourself before moving on - into the new and still unknown space of life. So that they can not follow you, but stay here. See you later.

Author of the article: Dārta Daneviča

Drawings: Henn Kim, Sofia Bonati