The difficulty of conceiving a child is a delicate issue, about which awareness should be increased and the couple should learn to speak with sensitivity, both with each other and with those around them.

Values instilled in us by our parents' family, the experiences of friends and acquaintances, societal norms and beliefs - all this affects our personal reproductive choices. Watching friends and former classmates become parents, a couple who do not yet have children take other experiences as an example and ask themselves if they would like to become parents themselves. Dream about it and imagine yourself in the new roles. However, it often happens that for some reason it is not possible to have a baby or this path turns out to be much more complicated than it might seem.

The topic of pregnancy is extremely intimate and fragile. Even internally among themselves, many couples find it very difficult to discuss this, let alone bring up the subject in public. One of the partners may not want children at all or may not be able to have them for physiological reasons, and the couple needs time to deal with the complex feelings that arise in this regard.

In this article, I want to address those who are trying but can't get a baby, and those who like to ask the question from the series: "Well, when will you finally have a baby?" I will start with the second ones.

Pressure from others

It is not uncommon for childless couples to feel a lot of pressure from society. "Then when will you give us grandchildren?", parents ask. Or friends: "Add to the family faster! Let's raise children together, go on trips!" If a couple does not have children, they may feel guilty about their aging parents and isolated from their friends who have children and whose values ​​and interests are changing dramatically. Parting ways, and for a childless couple, it can be an unimaginable experience.

Becoming a parent is often associated with many dreams and far-reaching life plans. Therefore, the moment a couple realizes that it will not work out or that the road to it will not be so easy, it can also mean the crushing of these many dreams.

Tactic questions about children should never be asked to anyone, it should become a taboo.

Many times it is covered with good intentions or asked out of curiosity, but it must be understood that this question can be extremely painful. We have no idea how much time the childless couple, who from the outside looks happy and carefree, has spent trying to become parents. How many circles of hell has this couple gone through already. How many thousands of times have they had to smile and joke in response, when in reality they wanted to cry out of despair.

You don't need to ask that and thus climb into other people's souls and beds. You have to learn to accept others as they are, without imposing dusty social stereotypes. These are your friends, acquaintances, neighbors, relatives, after all, your children who do not have children. This is the status of a couple that does not require explanations, excuses and, even more, lamentations. As long as they have not asked for help, there is no need to rush to "do a good job" with intrusive offers and questioning: "Maybe you can recommend a doctor (medicine, healer, cysticer)?"

It is often the case that pregnancy ends in the first weeks, when the belly is not yet visible. And those couples who, for personal reasons, have decided not to tell anyone about their pregnancy are forced to live their loss in solitude. Assuming it's not the first time, one can only imagine what a blow to them the "innocent" question: "Don't you really want a baby?" Studies show that every unsuccessful attempt is experienced by a woman as the loss of a child. And not everyone is ready to go through many losses due to an uncertain outcome in the future.

Also, not everyone is ready for adoption. Because in this case, the interests of the person (child) who is adopted are the most important. The reality can be very different from the picture painted by the couple when they take responsibility for the child. The couple may face difficulties for which they are not prepared. It's painful to see how many trials families face on the road to adoption.

But, on the other hand, these tests show those couples who are not ready for adoption, that this is not their path. Whatever choice the couple makes is their choice. There is no right way, no right advice, there is only a couple's personal path, and they need the support of friends, loved ones and society more than anything else.

Couples who fail to become parents or who do not want to become parents

At the moment of choice, it is very important to separate the pressure of society from the personal desire to have a child, which is based on the personal values ​​of the man and woman. During my counseling, I have come across a situation where the client feels a great sense of guilt for not being able to have a baby due to physiological reasons, but in the course of in-depth conversations it was revealed that becoming a mother is not her personal desire, but the pressure she feels from the environment, assuming that a normal family is only when a couple has a child.

If you are a childless couple, don't think you are wrong and don't think anyone thinks you are. It is best not to think about the people around you at all, not to waste your energy on it - neither on what they say, nor on what is whispered behind your back, nor on what is expected of you. These people's expectations and ideas of what a "normal family" is have nothing to do with you. Approaching others with your measuring tape is like offering to use your underwear - take it, put it on, it's very comfortable for me, it will be good for you too. But these plagues are not for you. You have your own story, your own path, your own experience on the way to becoming a parent.

Look for those who have walked similar paths - they understand what you are going through like no one else. Don't shut yourself away in the solitude of your pain because of a misplaced sense of shame. Ask for support if you need it, and don't be afraid to admit that you need it. Choose to be around warm and accepting people and stop communicating with those who make diagnoses based on external impressions and tell you why what is happening to you and why you "deserve" it. You do not deserve this pain - it is not your fault.

You have the right to go all the way and try as long as you see fit. And just like that, you have the right to give up and stop trying. Whatever you choose doesn't say anything about you as a person or as a couple. It only says that your choice is now.

It should be realized that everyone's life and experiences matter, regardless of whether a person has children or not. There are many ways to be a mom or dad, and blood relationship is not the only way to fulfill this role.

Author of the article: relationship mentor Zane Ozoliņa