Why is it important to talk about building healthy relationships today? Because nowadays, unfortunately, such relationships are becoming less and less. Building relationships requires work, effort, energy, time and countless efforts. Often also painful changes, conflicts and tension. And, of course, not everyone is ready for it.

Daina Einberg

Moreover, there are fewer and fewer examples to imitate. Our parents , friends, colleagues - a lot of them do not show examples of happy couples. These are divorces, constant conflicts or, on the contrary, no communication with each other, often the life of these couples together is one that we certainly do not want to copy.

Our consciousness is arranged in such a way - if it does not see something, it does not believe that it is possible at all. Unfortunately, the further our current culture develops, the fewer examples of healthy relationships there will be, family values ​​will be destroyed, replaced by individualism.

When working with young people in schools, I often hear the phrases: "I'm not going to get married!", "What's the point of a long relationship, it's getting boring!" and the new fashion: "I don't need anyone by my side at all, because you can't rely on others!" All this shows that young people are increasingly forming deep relationships later, choosing short-term relationships with different partners.

Myths about healthy couple relationships

1. In a healthy relationship, partners never argue.

This is one of the most common requests in couples sessions. A couple comes to me to learn not to argue and to end conflicts in the family. They are often unpleasantly surprised when I say that there is no growth in a relationship without arguments and conflicts. I don't mind that there are such couples. But here the question is only about how to argue and discuss without hurting the other, how to find solutions in any situations. Man and woman are two psychologically completely different creatures. Can we live our whole lives together without ever arguing? We can... If we don't talk! And that's what a lot of couples do. Hides all problems, does not talk about his needs, does not tell the other about his dreams and so on. Because? Afraid to be misunderstood, misfit, rejected, ridiculed and the like.

Often ideas about good relationships are idealized. People try to force themselves and their partners to live up to unrealistic standards from books and movies. And in the end, they are inevitably disappointed and begin to criticize themselves or others.

2. It is easy in a healthy relationship with a partner.

Often we are looking for our second half - a magical person with whom it will be easy to build a relationship. First, it can search endlessly. Even if you're a perfect match, grinding and rubbing are inevitable at the beginning of a relationship and throughout the various phases of development .

Secondly, I always say, what kind of other half are you looking for? You have to look for a full-fledged person, not some half that you will put next to your half. If I'm looking for a half, then I don't consider myself complete (consciously or unconsciously). You should actually start with this. Because often couples in sessions complain that I found my soulmate, but that soulmate does not make me happy.

What is a healthy relationship?

1. Our first task is to learn to respect the person next to us!

Not to idealize or try to understand, but first of all to respect. What does respect mean in a relationship? Assume that there is a person next to me, not a machine. A person who, like me, can have positive and negative moods, emotions of happiness and sadness, moments of ups and downs, the desire to communicate and the need to hide sometimes, the ability to do everything according to plan and make mistakes . We very often demand that the other person accepts us without reservation, but we do not do it ourselves.

2. You must learn to care for others from the heart, without conditions.

It is important to remember that each of us has our own "what caring for me means to me". We often take care of others as we would like to take care of ourselves. But so often arguments happen precisely because the partner does not like to be asked in the evening about everything that happened during the day, but the caring wife does it because she likes to tell about it herself. Is it important for the husband that the wife cooks something herself at least once in a while, but the wife thinks that cooking is not her job. Suddenly, the man finds another woman who cooks for him. It is not a story about having to please the other person all the time without taking into account yourself.

Not at all! It is also delving into the other's wishes and needs, if the decision to be together has already been made. Modern individualism has one very negative feature - people often translate it backwards: "You don't want to be like that with me, you don't have to either." But the development of the personality in the relationship stops at that moment.

3. And, of course, trust is very important in a relationship.

Whatever past problems there have been in the relationship between the two, or whatever the person has been before, if I choose to be with that person, then I have to learn to trust the other. Do you know what regularity I have noticed when working with clients? If I don't trust myself, I don't know how to rely on myself, then I don't trust the other person either and I don't know how to rely on the other person. This brings us to the fourth point.

4. We have to work with ourselves so as not to look for happiness in another person, but to become the bearer of happiness ourselves.

It is such a fantastic feeling when partners start to develop, change and become so happy with themselves that they just want to share this feeling of happiness with their partner. This is the basis of a healthy relationship - becoming happier yourself and sharing happiness with the other. So that the partner does not have to be forced to stay with me until the end of his life, but the other does everything possible to build a long-term relationship with me.

I definitely recommend that you continue to look for real examples of healthy couple relationships. Because they really are. And they are usually happy to share the experiences they have gone through. Because that's the only way your consciousness, not just your mind, will believe that a healthy couple relationship is real!

May you succeed in implementing them in your life as well!

Daina Einberg

Coach-therapist with 15 years of practical experience in coaching, therapy, training

@DainasPasaule / www.einberga.com