When it comes to inspiring our partner to take action, growth and change, we often use tactics that, although they seem effective at first (and sometimes really work for a while), actually have the opposite result - the other person is less and less willing to act, freezes, and more arguments arise.

Let's look at these ineffective tactics, phrases and statements that kill a man's desire to grow and do. In conclusion - about what works more efficiently and how you can wisely and positively influence your partner's desire to become better.

Relationship mentor: Zane Ozoliņa

What kills a man's passion?

• Showing that the woman is smarter and knows more than him. A man does not give his woman the task of being a mentor, master, teacher or guru. If she shows that she understands better, she ends up having to do everything herself.
• Taking on the role of mother through efforts to take care, protect from everything, cover up. It is a short way for a woman to lose her lust for a man.
• You should not pretend/show that you are safer, braver than a man. Especially when giving advice. What does it look like? "Relax, there's nothing to fear. There's no risk." "What are you freaking out about? Everything is normal." A woman feels that she thus inspires a man. "Well, what are you doing - don't worry, people do that, you'll be able to do it, so stop it."
• Belittling a man's accomplishments when he shares (and boasts) them. Especially in front of other people.

• Devaluation of a man's dreams. It is not necessary to think that a man will not have his own goals and dreams. He will have them. And women are quite adept at destroying men's dreams and enthusiasm. How can this happen? The man expresses an idea and receives in return: "You're funny, what do you think of that? Nonsense. You should have done what I said (using the opportunity to express resentment about what specifically was not done)."
• Denigration of masculine characteristics. It should never be said that he lacks masculine qualities or that he is prone to wavering, giving in, that he cannot negotiate, and so on.
• Viewing "from above". Telling him that he would never be able to support his family without you.
• Phrase: "We can't afford it (a purchase, for example)."
• Expressions: "I wish I felt more confident, how I wish we had more money, it's so bad without money, someone here earns so little..."

• Much better knowledge of the market situation. You should not offer a man ways and opportunities to increase his income, telling you his vision of where and how he could earn, where and what he should do, because, for example, "your girlfriend's husband is doing it successfully, but you can do it too."
• Infatuation with other men. "Aija's husband - Mr. Miltiņas. This is a man, not like some good ones here. You see, there are still normal men in this world."
• Other good luck phrases like: "Well, if you want to lose all your money, go ahead and invest in this stupid project"; "So, let's count everything from the beginning. Let's weigh all the pros and cons and only then"; "Listen, let's be critical, please, this is madness."

Of course, it is not necessary to support ideas that you consider dubious, but remember that in doing so you will extinguish a man's enthusiasm, as you will most likely hurt his pride.

I understand where it all comes from - from unspoken desires that are inconvenient to tell the other person. Because there is shame, it is difficult to talk about it, there is a fear that the other person will refuse (and therefore make you feel unappreciated), a fear that the other person may leave altogether. It feels like he should guess what you want (because "all women want that"), but that's not fair to the other person. Because he will never guess it, because your desires at a particular moment in life can be absolutely different. And at the moment when the other person talks about his wishes, he feels resentful that he didn't guess something, read between the lines. But that is not his task. His job is not to give up himself to indulge, just like you. And your job is to speak, saying directly and clearly what you want. "I want" and "How do you look at it? What do you think about it?" is the best way to find out the other's vision, and also "How can I help you realize it? What support would you need from me?"

How to inspire and support a man?

In conclusion, I will share some general recommendations that work well in any relationship (you must remember that these are general - how to apply it individually, in your case with your partner, you will definitely figure it out).

In fact, the formula for inspiration and support is quite simple - gratitude, appreciation, pride and admiration.

Gratitude for the other fulfilling his duties. Gratitude every time the other person does something for you. When the other person has invested energy, thoughts, attention, which we cannot always see in person and which we often take for granted, because it is "nothing special". Going to work - what's so special about it. Took out the trash - it's nothing. I came home earlier to spend more time together - but how else, every day should be like that! Gave money - not enough! Etc.

And it is important to express gratitude in such a way that the other person hears it, being next to them, looking them in the eyes (not in a story on Instagram).

Admires man's masculine qualities. Knowledge, skills, strength, muscles, etc. Admires both with eyes, looking at him, and with words, expressing them to him.

By the way, when a man doubts himself, it is worth pausing for a moment and then telling him the qualities with the help of which he has previously coped with other important tasks: "I have observed such and such qualities in you that allowed you to solve this and that task then. I know that they will allow you to cope with this as well. Yes, there will be challenges, but I believe in you." A woman has the ability to allow a man to see himself from the aspect from which he does not see himself (just as we often do not see ourselves).

Essential! Talk (admiring, thanking, boasting) only about what a man does, not about possible future actions or his potential. We all have potential. It is essential to connect with reality and see what is.

To be proud - it is done when others hear. For girlfriends, relatives, friends. What he is to me [..]- he did [..]so well, I am very proud of him!"

Evaluate - silently. At home, wrapped in a blanket in solitude and thinking about the other, seeing and appreciating all the good things you already have, feeling the warmth in your chest.

this formula works in both directions - for a woman against a man, and vice versa.

When expressing a request or wish to a man, one must understand and accept that the man may not start acting immediately. He may not want to. Maybe you will understand later. You should also know how to wait (ask when it will be convenient for him to do it; ask his opinion and listen to the answer). It is important to give an idea, express a desire and give the other person time and space, which may be different from yours. We have different speeds, perceptions, opportunities to realize. Many expect the other to take action immediately. No, it can also take time (it must be proportionate and can be agreed upon: "How much time will you need to give me an answer?").

May you succeed in growing in love, communication and development!

Author of the article: Relationship mentor Zane Ozoliņa