Young couples are often interested in the romantic, but do not fully explain the concept of "engagement". Someone has associations with the ancient customs of their ancestors, others see in it a beautiful Western tradition, which is currently at the peak of fashion. But what exactly is engagement? What are its peculiarities in everyday, social and even legal fields? What are the benefits of this event? And when is engagement not the best idea?

What is engagement?

An engagement is a formal announcement by a couple of their intention to marry, followed by preparations for the wedding. When betrothed, the man becomes the groom and the woman becomes the bride. Opinions differ as to when a couple can call themselves engaged. There are three common opinions:

1. According to the application at the registry office.
2. After the official proposal and consent.
3. After notifying parents.

Engagement duration

The period from engagement to marriage varies from couple to couple and can range from several weeks to several years. There are couples who set a wedding date right away, but others may not be planning a wedding anytime soon. However, my recommendation is to set the wedding date immediately, giving concreteness and clarity. Otherwise, the engagement stage can last much longer than desired and create internal resentments, which are often hidden, which manifest themselves in unpleasant conflicts at unexpected moments. The recommended time from engagement to marriage is six months to a year.

Engagement ring

An integral part of the special event is the engagement ring, which is traditionally given by the groom to the bride as a confirmation of mutual feelings and a joint future life path. According to ancient traditions, the future wife keeps this gift and in time passes it on to her daughter or son's bride. Adherents of this tradition believe that the ring becomes a symbol of protection for the girl and a talisman for the women of the family.

An engagement ring and a wedding ring are different pieces of jewelry. Unlike a wedding ring, an engagement ring is adorned with a precious or semi-precious stone. Each of them has its own symbol, for example, turquoise symbolizes prosperity and harmony, ruby ​​- fiery passion, emerald - protection from conflicts. Bragging about the treasure of the ring is a bad tone. It is not the price that matters, but the symbolism.

When a man takes a box out of his pocket and, getting down on one knee, opens it, asking: "Will you be my wife?" – it is quite a difficult situation for a man. In fact, all men fear rejection, even the strongest. The stronger a man is, the harder it is for him to survive a refusal, especially when it is not a simple gift, but a serious step. And here - this moment has come, the man wants to make his woman happy, gives her a beautiful ring and invites her to become his wife. In the best case, the woman will answer with the word yes. But it is not always so.

What to do if a woman receives a ring, but she is not ready yet?

Breaking off the engagement

If the ring has been accepted, the wedding date has been set, the guests have been invited, but there is doubt whether to get married or not, what is the 100% correct choice? Don't get married. In case of termination of the relationship, the couple informs their close relatives and friends.

A woman should go out to her husband when she is one hundred percent sure that he is her man. If there is doubt, it is better not to rush and say that there is no certainty yet. Otherwise, doubt will continue even after marriage. Trying to get into a relationship as soon as possible so that it becomes permanent is a big mistake.

Sometimes people think: "Let's get married, start a family, have children and everything will be fine". However, this does not happen in life and it often happens that such an action has exactly the opposite consequences - in a relationship where there is no agreement, trust and confidence in each other, it only gets worse. In addition, the couple also takes responsibility for the children.

In cases where the engagement is annulled, the question arises as to what to do with the ring. Basically, it is not necessary to return the ring. An engagement ring is not a symbol of marriage, but of love, and therefore it can remain with a woman. You can ask the man if he wants the ring back. If he takes it, it can be taken as a sign that he is not yet a mature man. On the other hand, if he allows it to be kept without objection, it allows him to be valued as a worthy man. It is a little different if the ring is a family heirloom. Usually, in that case, the woman returns it to the family. Of course, these laws are not defined anywhere, so each couple does it at their own discretion.

Benefits of engagement

1. Feeling test

Engagement allows you to test love with time and life. The couple feels the seriousness of their relationship, often from this moment the couple starts living together. Ahead is a lot of joy, positive emotions, as well as endurance tests of the future family.

Immediately after the engagement, the wedding planning, the careful and quite worrying preparation begins. At this stage, the previously friendly, peaceful and understanding couple may face serious conflicts or differences of interests. The number of guests, the venue, the style, the entertainment and even the wedding menu can cause arguments. Future spouses have to work hard to deal with them in harmony, although it may not be so easy, considering:

• Hurry up. Even if the wedding date is a year ahead, some details will still require quick action, especially at the last minute;
• Pressure. "When will the wedding be?", "Time for the family to grow", "My cousin's daughter also got married on this date, as a result got divorced, it's not a good day", and other tactless phrases that will make anyone nervous;
• Parallel works. Preparation for the event is quite a complicated process, since no one has canceled work, studies, household duties. You will have to find a balance, try to get everything done, even if there is not so much time.

This is why wedding planning agencies are so popular. However, if the couple successfully solves all the tasks, their union will only become stronger. It is a kind of "rehearsal" of family life.

2. Recognition of the Union

Engagement makes the desire to marry public. First of all, this is a serious step for the couple itself, a confirmation of serious intentions towards each other. Secondly, such a decision makes others perceive the couple differently, much more seriously. The parents of the bride and groom accept the new family members, get to know each other better.

Thirdly, this recognition imposes responsibility, now those around will watch the continuation of the story. For example, if a couple starts delaying their wedding, they may soon face the dissatisfaction of their relatives, their doubts and the couple's seriousness about the engagement. This in turn can fuel rumours. And all because the desire to eat for free and drink bubbly water at the wedding will eclipse all norms of decency.

3. Legal security

Betrothal in itself is not legal. It is more of a tradition than an official event like marriage. And yet there are some “buts” worth knowing about. They have to do with breaking off engagements. If the betrothal is canceled or if one of the betrothed withdraws from it, the Civil Law of Latvia stipulates that each betrothed must return all property given to him by the other party, his parents or another person in connection with the intended marriage. In addition, one of the partners has to cover part of the expenses incurred by the other when planning the marriage.

4. New stage

Changing from a friend to a groom or from a girlfriend to a bride means moving to a new level of relationship. This is a confirmation that partners grow together, go to a common goal, see each other's spouse. In the stages of familiarity, uncertainty, exclusivity and intimacy (more about them in my book THE RELATIONSHIP PYRAMID), the relationship is seen as the initial stage, when the couple gets to know each other, get to know each other, form an image of each other and then solidify it. Engagement, on the other hand, is a sign of confidence, conscious choice, approval, serious intentions.

After realizing the significance of the engagement, the couple may experience honeymoon feelings - this is a stage of emotional uplift when euphoria and excitement about the transition to a new level of relationship take over, although the marriage has not yet been concluded. That's why for so many couples, the worries associated with wedding preparations cause more emotions of joy than irritation.

When engagement is not a good idea

1. If it is based on efforts to attract

When a traditionally bright and joyful event becomes a tool of manipulation and pressure, it is difficult to expect a positive result. Engagement is often used to gain additional leverage. Any transgression by the partner is met with hostility and is followed by the threat of “If you don't… then I'll call off the engagement,” which evokes fear, subordination, guilt, and self-doubt.

Similar happens when one of the partners is not sure of the other's fidelity (even if there is no reason for this), but he has to go somewhere. For example, a guy who has to join the army, or a girl who has to go to study in another city, may arrange an engagement with the goal of attracting a partner, not because of love.

2. Due to parental pressure

The ancient custom of agreeing on the future marriage of one's children at an age when the children are still unaware and without their consent seems barbaric nowadays. But what is even worse is that such a tradition is still preserved in some places. Parents promise each other to marry their children when they grow up, without even realizing the tragedy of such a decision.

Most often it happens in very religious or disadvantaged families. Although sometimes everything is much more banal.

Two women meet - one has a son, the other a daughter, the same age as the guy. Both dream of how beautiful it would be if the children got married in adulthood. Children grow up and find themselves other partners, but mothers do not adequately perceive the choice of their children, as they are morally disposed to see him with the child of his girlfriend.

Such examples are indeed not uncommon in various forms and are an example of parental pressure. However, engagement is the couple's choice, not the decision of their parents, relatives or strangers.

3. If there are doubts about the partner as a potential spouse

If at this stage of the relationship doubts have arisen that the partner might not be the one with whom you want to connect your life, then there is no reason to get engaged. Yes, in a sense, it is an opportunity to take time, to get clear with your feelings, by observing longer. But all this is done in the earlier stages of the relationship.

After getting engaged, the next natural step is the wedding and preparations for it, not thinking about whether to stay with that person or break up. This is the stage of clarity. Agreeing to this step in the absence of conviction is a betrayal of a potential spouse. Don't want to end the relationship, but have doubts? It is better to say everything directly, calmly explaining the reason for the refusal (temporarily), and continue to meet.

4. If there are hopes for changes that the new status will bring

"Once we announce our engagement, he will start treating me better", "If I propose, she will change" - these are thoughts that result in bitter disappointment. Engagement is a new phase of cohabitation and intimacy, but it doesn't change people. An engagement ring does not fix problems in a relationship, and expecting it to do so is fooling yourself into willingly getting yourself into trouble.

Whether a couple is ready to get engaged is an entirely individual decision. Someone can do it for fun and a beautiful ritual, for others it is a symbol of soulful intimacy and a serious but sure promise. It is important to understand that by organizing the engagement and announcing it publicly, the partners voluntarily assume responsibility towards society, the law and most of all – towards each other. At the same time, realizing the seriousness of this step strengthens feelings and makes the family stronger.

Make informed choices and be happy!

Author of the article: Zane Ozoliņa / personality and relationship mentor

Photo: Anna Elizabeth Photo, Jasmine Yab Photography, Nicole Ashley Photography, Lily Brundin Photo, Hannah Bri