When I was growing up, there was a kind of cult - to live not your own life. I don't know about you, but I really felt it. All those who lived for themselves were humiliated and belittled. As soon as I naively accepted at a certain age that I want to live the way I think is right - I was slapped in the face: "Egoist!" Now I come across this concept in my consultations, when I tend to offer clients an additional option - to choose their own instead of another's needs. There is a silent, uncertain question: "Yes, but isn't that selfish?"

Author of the article: relationship mentor Zane Ozoliņa

And a person thinks - yes, it would be cool to live for yourself. It could be cool and beautiful. But from the outside it is already better to see - that when I choose myself, I look selfish, evil and treacherous. That's why I won't change anything, not my job, not my dress, not my hair, not my husband. Yes, I am unhappy, but everyone lives like that. And the person continues to live like that.

No, not everyone lives like that. This is the life of all unhappy women and all unhappy men who were taught to please everyone but themselves.

I also lived like that until I realized the simple truth - selfishness is not always a clinical condition of a psychopath. And even more so - there is such an understanding as "healthy (adequate) egoism ". By the way, unhealthy, clinical egoism also exists, it should not be forgotten.

There is also unconscious selfishness - this is the state of the victim known to most of us, which includes some kind of payment for the fact that a person behaves kindly, not just for the sake of it, but in order to be grateful to him for it. Unconscious selfishness - it means taking grandma across the road and being terribly offended if grandma didn't say thank you. If a person does good deeds not to help someone, but to satisfy his ego with gratitude and to feel himself as an almighty deity, then he is an unconscious egoist. He needs gratitude today, but tomorrow he will want people to build him a monument on Brivibas Boulevard.

Being an adequate egoist is not that complicated. For the completeness of the picture, let's consider how three types of women react to the same situation. For example, the husband wants intimacy, but the wife is tired and does not want it.

Unconscious Egoist : I will put the children to bed and then satisfy my husband's need. It is not difficult. It just takes a few minutes, but my husband will be happy and trust me for it.

Most often, the roof is torn off this lady when her husband's infidelity is revealed. It turns out that all these years she suffered intimacy with her husband, but he did not appreciate it. After the fact of infidelity is revealed, she continues to suffer. Because that's the only thing she knows.

Clinical egoist: dear husband, we will have intimacy when I want it, not when you think of it.

When the fact of infidelity is revealed, the clinical egoist is surprised: "How could he be unfaithful to me - such a perfect woman!". After that, she no longer goes to the dialogue, destroying her husband as the biggest enemy.

Adequate egotist : dear, there will be a book of fairy tales, please put the children to bed. In the meantime, I'll relax in a bubble bath for half an hour, watch a TV series. We'll meet in the bedroom in half an hour, we'll start with the massage and then - according to the mood.

If infidelity is revealed, an adequate egoist says everything she feels and what emotions she experiences, without reproaches and resentments. She does not choose to continue living with her husband just for the sake of the children, but establishes communication in such a way as to maintain human relations. This is the maximum she does “for the children”.

As can be understood from the above, adequate egoism is most similar to adequate human behavior. In the clinical case, the egoist is not in the mood for dialogue, she "pushes" her self everywhere, which always turns out to be more important than the nature of the partner. In a healthy way, a woman communicates her self as if to say, "I hear you and understand your needs because I love you, but listen to me too because I have my own desires."

Healthy selfishness - it means respect for everyone. To everyone - this also means treating yourself with significant respect.

"It is impossible to live with egoists!" - this is most often said by victims who give everything of themselves, leaving nothing for themselves. Paradoxically, it is precisely with such "givers" that it is most difficult to live. Because they truly give their all and expect others (all as one) to give their all in return. But when it doesn't happen, the "givers" cry, have hysterics, fall into depression and blame everyone around them. "I gave everything for you, but you gave me nothing!" it's a favorite victim phrase.

Sacrifice does not lead to anything good. Especially if no one has asked for this devotion. Often, after a few decades of life, people find themselves in a psychologist's office and realize that they have done everything in their life because of their parents. Because of parents who have manipulated their children quite skillfully. And if we face the truth - such people are manipulated by everyone around them. They push their opinions, feelings and emotions somewhere deep, deep and allow themselves to be used.

By hurting themselves, they deal with other people's issues so as not to damage the relationship. Going to friends' parties, even though you don't want to go anywhere yourself, so as not to upset your friends and not fall "out of the loop". Lend money to people you know, even though you barely manage to "make ends meet" yourself. If all this seems right to you - then a good solution is to urgently go to a psychologist. Because in that case, you are not living your life, but the "life of society" and simply suffer.

For mothers who sacrifice (or donate - as they prefer) everything for their child, postulating: "All the best for my child, but I will manage somehow", I don't have very encouraging news either. The child has two possible scenarios here. He will either grow up to be a clinical egotist who feels that everyone owes him (because he is taught this pattern as his mother sacrifices everything for him). Either he grows up the same victim as his mother, trying to give everything to those around him who simply use him (I once went that way - I didn't like it).

I have "looked" into the lives of people I know, and that's why I periodically turn on the mode of an adequate egoist (and I try to do it as often as possible, because it doesn't always happen, because - children, husband, work...), who lives not so that everyone around is good, but so that she herself is good. And somehow it happens that it makes everyone around feel good. Such a virtuous circle exists in the laws of nature. Over time, I have realized that adequate selfishness brings much more benefit and joy to those around me than sacrifice. Because the victim always demands something in return. He has given so much for others who did not ask for these sacrifices.

Adequate egoists live neither for evaluation nor for other people's feedback, but for themselves. Without disturbing others and without imposing your own morals and beliefs.

Healthy egoism should not be confused with unhealthy stubbornness (for such people it is important to do everything AGAINST, just to "flow against the current"). "Only dead fish flow down the stream" - he will say. “Only a silly fish swims upstream”, I will say. Because you need to flow neither with the current nor against the current, but where you need it. If you need to get to your goal and it requires drifting for a while - then it is wise to let the flow go and save your strength. They will be needed when you need to quickly turn and swim towards.

Healthy selfishness means swimming where you want. Unhealthy selfishness means wanting others to swim where you want them to.

Swim, fly, live. And let others live.