How I would like it to be easy, sweet and warm in a relationship. Without resentment, arguments, misunderstandings and ugly thoughts. But the reality of life is different and these dreams are destined to remain only dreams. Even in relationships with ourselves, there are times when it becomes unbearably difficult. What about those relationships where someone else is involved. Each of us has our own truth, our own vision, our own desires and our view of what should be right. This means that you will not be able to do without sparks, noise, rubbing and flashes.

Relationship mentor: Zane Ozoliņa

What is important to remember? The fact that at the moment when something has gone wrong in the relationship, the position "I hide in my house" is not the best solution. You can't pretend that you don't exist and hope that all problems will disappear with it. Periods of misunderstanding, irritation and anger, in which you want to roll your eyes at every word uttered by your partner, are a natural phenomenon in the life cycle of every couple. Just as a person grows and develops, turning from an insufferable three-year-old into an adequate and pleasant adult, relationships also grow and develop.

If a couple has arguments and conflicts, then it is accepted to believe that the relationship is unfavorable. As if everything is fine with the relationship only if the partners do not argue and are happy day after day. However, just as friction creates warmth, so too do conflicts keep relationships alive and help them develop.

Often those who are afraid of conflicts use the strategy - to agree with their partner in everything. It's okay if it's uncomfortable for you, and it's okay if you have to do something you don't want to do once again - it's better that way than to show your dissatisfaction and, don't worry, it will cause an argument. A person is so afraid of offending another that he chooses to offend himself, thus swallowing the offense again and again. I would like to add that this is typical for both women and men.

If you are afraid of conflicts, it is better not to build a relationship. Conflicts in normal relationships are inevitable and it is not something terrible. Yeah, they're not nice, but they're bearable. Not only endure - they can also be constructively dealt with.

Reasons for conflicts

Conflict occurs when your "I want" is ignored and your "I care" is ignored. Analyze some of your recent arguments. You will likely find that the real reason for their occurrence was not related to any external circumstances, for example, the other person failed you by not fulfilling what they promised, but related to the fact that some important need for you was not met. And the angrier you got at someone, the greater your inner hunger to satisfy that need. Most likely, it is not the first time that this need of yours was not taken into account.

Conflict is an attempt to restore justice. We suffocate because we rush to protect that which is important to us and which we feel has been denied. For example, we want to be heard and finally heard. To value our resources, efforts and time. To respect our opinion and count on it. May we be given the opportunity to renew ourselves and be in silence. To not try to make us more comfortable, simpler, easier. To respect our right to make permanent decisions etc. If people in your environment systematically fail to deliver on their promises, you spend a huge amount of resources trying to find new solutions. It drains and saddens, makes you very angry and as a result leads to an explosion. Following the same scheme, your partner also starts an argument. If you slammed the car door with a lot of force and he got really angry - that's just the tip of the iceberg. The bottom line is that he will have to deal with the repair of the car himself, but instead he would be happy to rest and be happy if the request to open the door more carefully did not fall on deaf ears.

Sometimes we roll the dice because we want to have the last word. We want to prove our rightness and poke the other with our nose in how much he is wrong. To always be right - this is also a need, only it is impossible to satisfy it. It's like pandora's box that will swallow anything you throw at it. It's one thing to argue, then cool down and hug. It's quite another to try hard to prove that the only one who knows what's better is you. Because it's not true. It is not worth arguing until the first cry of truth. Sometimes it comes from the umbilical cord wrapped around your love's neck. Life is so multi-faceted and unpredictable that being firmly convinced of something is a virtually impossible luxury. Much of what was true yesterday is the past today. This means that the ideas we fight for today may turn into nonsense tomorrow.

In a conflict, it is important to see not only the offended self, but also the overall context in which everything happens. Fatigue, not enough sleep, problems at work, long winter, messy household issues, side effects of medicines. People often forget about the context, but disputes do not arise in a vacuum, out of nowhere.

Unfortunately, the one who is the first to call the other a hysteric or a loser, or to call everything happening as psychosis in general, often wins the conflict, thus washing his hands. there is a certain sadness in this hanging of tags. When we hold a partner hostage in our hearts, we compress his entire experience, the entire universe of his feelings, to the size of a matchbox. It doesn't matter who he was until now, how he lived and what he did. Now he is this insulting word laced with venom.

Conflict resolution

Do not resolve the conflict here and now until the emotions have subsided - there will definitely be no benefit. As long as both are dressed, each will try to pull the blanket on himself - either defending or attacking. To avoid making the situation worse, give yourself time to cool down. Switch so that everything calms down and stabilizes. A little later, a clear feeling will come about why the conflict has started, and you will come to your partner not with a huge list of evidence about why he was wrong, but with one, thoughtful and formulated thought about the reason for your resentment. For example - it reminded me of a situation from my childhood, when I was very afraid and no one helped. Because I thought for a moment that you could hurt me physically, but I will never let anyone do that again. Because I thought for a moment that you don't need me anymore and the only thing that keeps us together is our children.

Then, when I feel at home that I can no longer contain my emotions, and my small, cozy world is shaken by irritation, I understand very well what it will cost me if I let my anger react here and now, expressing "naturalness and spontaneity". So I put on my shoes and go for a walk or start vigorously cleaning the house. Thus, I do not leave myself alone with my emotions and help myself to deal with them without victimization in the outside world. In situations like this, it's great to have a friend who you can write to: "I'm angry right now. I don't need advice, I just want to talk to someone so I don't explode. Can I talk to you?" The most important thing is to know that everything said will not go anywhere and will not affect anything, but will allow you to get the necessary relief and let off steam. It is understood that such friendly support should be by mutual agreement and consent, only if the other person is willing to provide it. The most important thing is not to make your grievances a public spectacle in order to disgust the other person. "Look what you've brought me to! How I suffer!" Get angry, argue, make noise and cry, just don't offend each other with harsh words and even in the biggest argument don't tell the other "go away" or "we have to break up, I don't want to live with you anymore, I'll do without you" , if you know in the depths of your heart that in reality you won't get anywhere, but these the words are uttered only to frighten. Because there is nothing more offensive than repulsive words and the feeling that the ground is disappearing under your feet, - you are four years old again and it turns out that love and attraction have to be fought for, earned. No one loves you the same and that means there is no peace and protection in this world, no one can be trusted.

To think meaningfully during an argument and not to offend with hurtful expressions is a whole art. It is extremely difficult to choose words at a moment when the eyes are covered by a veil of resentment. That's why sometimes just shutting up, ending the phone conversation, closing WhatsApp or going for a walk with the dog is already a big achievement and an investment in maintaining the relationship.

Unconstructive phrases during conflict

Unfortunately, not all problems are solved through words, and when you want to hit someone with them, it's better to keep your mouth shut. Next, I will share phrases that you should not say in the heat of an argument, because they do not help in any way, but only add fuel to the fire.

“Calm down!” - here it turns out that you are the cold-blooded, reasonable and rational side, while the other, whom you ask to calm down, creates hysteria and destroys everything. But no one likes to have their emotions, reactions, and feelings viewed as inadequate and wrong.

“You want another argument?” - from this phrase we can conclude that you don't want to argue, but the other is the one who conflicts. Again, no one likes to feel in an "inadequate" role.

“You mean I'm…!?” - and then you say what is the easiest to take offense at, and with that you immediately swing the pendulum of the argument to your side, portraying the victim and throwing arrows at the other. Now you are no longer the guilty party and your partner becomes the one who offends.

"I'm tired of it all.." - here under the word "everything" the partner hears not only the things scattered in the bathroom or the scratched car, but everything - absolutely everything. Myself, my mother, my relatives, my pyjamas, a coffee mug with a flower and the way she throws her head back laughing. It turns out that your partner has ruined your whole life and wasted your best years. this phrase creates a feeling of belittling and makes you want to defend yourself, but it does nothing to solve the problem.

“You don't want to tell me anything?” - after such a question even those who know for sure that they have not committed a crime swallow their saliva. So don't talk through flowers, ask direct questions.

“Well, man!” - especially everything that the partner will answer to this phrase will sound like a pathetic excuse. Even if he squeezes out "look at yourself..." with all his might.

“You're on your period, right?” - it's not funny for a long time and I don't even want to comment on it separately.

“Can you explain to me what's going on?” - in the course of an argument, this phrase can be repeated endlessly, and in theory it can look like an adequate question from an adult to an equally adult person, but in reality it is an absolutely meaningless question interspersed between the monologues of both partners.

“Answer me honestly, just once!” - it turns out that during all the time you were together, your partner lied viciously and you knew it perfectly well, but for some reason you continued the relationship. Probably because you love generously, but the other does not.

“Then what am I guilty of?” - this is a very elegant way to remove any responsibility from yourself. chess and checkmate.

It often happens that both of them no longer remember what exactly caused the conflict, but remember very well the words that were particularly painful. Those very words worked like pulling the trigger of a firearm and everything that had been carefully built over the past months or even years was reduced to ashes.

Phrases described above, which are rather unconstructive than hurtful in a conflict, because they do not help in any way to solve the issues that have arisen. Now I want to list those phrases, which with a high probability will only intensify the problem and hurt the other. Phrases that are definitely worth staying away from. These are words that slap you in the face and literally knock the balance under your feet with their illogicality, inadequacy and how unexpected they are. Remembering them is not difficult at all - these words come to mind instantly, because they are so deeply embedded that it is practically impossible to erase them. How to understand what not to say during an argument? Very simple. As a rule, this is always what you want to say the most. And the stronger you want, the tighter you have to hold your tongue. Lovers' amazing ability to deliver a devastating blow with minimal movement is the envy of even soldiers.

Phrases that can safely be marked with a red danger sign:

"Without me, you are nothing! I brought you out into people, I pulled you out of the mud." - usually this phrase revolves around money, connections, publicity, material gains, gaining a higher social status or moving to the capital. With this phrase, those who have given a lot of help to others with money or some kind of service, and the benefactor's crown does not allow them to sleep at night, sin.

Why is it painful? Because it instantly belittles a person's life, his history, experience and personal achievements. Therefore, it is not easy to forgive.

"Your whole family is like that!" - the topic of relatives is taboo. The words "your mommy is also unbalanced" can in a few seconds deprive your partner of the desire to maintain any contact with you and sometimes even keep a common last name. Blood is blood. No matter how much strain there is in families, it is in our nature to protect our loved ones from strangers, no matter how complicated our relationship with them is.

Why is it painful? Because resentment is expressed not only to you, but also to the one behind you. And to whoever is behind him.

"Actually, I never loved you!" - it doesn't matter how many times there will be efforts to say otherwise. It doesn't matter what made you say this phrase - alcohol, intemperance, stupidity or the desire to hit more painfully. Such words cut into the soul like a sharp scalpel and remain there like spittle, poisoning and infecting everything that has been and will be.

Why is it painful? Because it is a direct attack on the importance of the partner and his necessity. Since it is impossible to get into the other person's soul and find out if he is lying or if he really thinks so, it is very easy to believe that you are not loved. After that, living with it is extremely difficult and sad.

Separately, I would like to single out modern expressions from psychotherapy, such as "I respect your need", "I don't feel your involvement" and "ok, I heard you". The message behind these words begs no question. However, the form of their expression is frightening with its formality. As if the conversation was not between two loving people, but between a psychologist and a client. To be honest, it is even difficult to imagine such a dialogue in a well-established therapeutic contact, when living people are speaking. In a loving relationship, a partner can interpret such phrases as disguised indifference. And even as a mockery, similar to the famous formality "thank you, your opinion is important to us", which we hear quite often from customer service when we come with a complaint.

Constructive conflict resolution

May your conversations remain warm and lively. Such as yourself. “I understand that this is important to you.”; "I hate it when you say that."; "Aren't you interested?"; "I understand you, I'll try not to do that again."

If the words are difficult to say at the moment, then write them down or say them later. But don't leave them inside - they take up space. The more unsaid, the sooner the moment will come when you will have to settle into a very tiny patch inside the relationship, which is the only one free from ambiguities and resentments. At the moment when there is a desire to start a conflict, it is very useful to ask yourself the question - do I want to prove my rightness or to be happy? We forget that in the heat of an argument, trying to win our own justice, we show that proving something is more important than loving one another. We try to defeat each other instead of trying to understand and accept that we are different and also look at the world differently.

The moment I tell the other “I agree, you are right” , the world does not collapse. If I accept that my opinion or point of view is not more important than the peace between us, the world does not fall apart. I choose to trade efforts to prove my rightness for harmony in the family. It is clear that everyone is right. And there are few truly significant reasons for the dispute. Basically, noise starts from nothing and ends with the exact same emptiness. It would seem that there is no big trouble, let off steam and peace. Only we forget that in this nonsense we lose something really important. Time.

When arguing with your loved one, ask yourself the question - are you ready to leave him/her for this? If the answer is no, go smooth the corners.

All these "you won't again..." and "you never..." are actually a reflection of a much deeper fear "you won't me again...". So take courage and ask that dreaded question directly.

Sometimes I realize that I just don't have time for arguments. As if there are reasons and sometimes the strength and mood, but there is no time. I regret every minute of my life that I will lose, giving it to the space of the universe "on the cheap", trying to explain. And this is not about belittling the importance of relationships, but about the quality of life, in which relationships are not the only sphere.

So the next time you feel like everything is going to blow up, maybe it's worth stepping aside to take a breather. Forbid yourself to make sharp movements, categorical conclusions and disappointing predictions for the future. Give yourself a moment to breathe in, breathe out and ground yourself. Remember why you are together. Yes, at this moment you are thoroughly storming . But you are living people and going through turbulence is normal.

After the dispute

After an argument, do not expect from your partner steps from romantic movies - huge bouquets of flowers in the name of reconciliation. For some of us, even the simple words "please forgive me" get stuck in our throats. If it's hard to say, write. Give the other person a chance to come back to you at their pace (which may be different from yours), not here and now, and exactly how you want it. “Okay, I won't touch you, but you know I'll wait for you as long as I need.” The one who cools down faster after a conflict must respect the other person's right to take his time if he needs time to breathe and stabilize. this is where people with different emotional constitutions encounter complications, where partners need different amounts of time to cool down after a conflict. If you are expecting, then don't put yourself down, don't think ugly, self-centered thoughts instead of your partner. Distract yourself from work, sports, TV series, delicious food, because this is really better than poking the other with a stick to check how he is doing and whether he is ripe for fixing.

Another sad truth - forgiveness is voluntary. If you sincerely apologized, it does not mean that the other person is obliged to forgive you. It also works the other way around - if you feel feelings of resentment ringing inside, wait with "okay, okay, we forgot, we're moving on". At the same time, the phrase "forgive me" does not erase the offense. It does not restore a broken cup to one whole. What's more, if a person asks for forgiveness as easily as he does the wrong, moreover, without stopping to do the wrong, then these words have no weight at all. Forgiveness is not rushed and it is not demanded.

When everything inside boils with anger and your hands clench into fists, remember that you do not kill your own. Losses are total.

Living with another person is difficult, and it doesn't matter if you live together for the first year or for the fifteenth. It is important that, even in the most stormy dispute, you clearly feel deep in your heart that I don't need anyone else and nothing else - I want to live, love, and argue only with him alone.

Every dispute that has ended with a truce gives an opportunity to say - we stumbled, but we did not collide. Then turn around, find together the rock that made it all happen, and put it on the side of the road.

Article author: Zane Ozoliņa