Today's traditional family has changed. Emancipation, feminism, gender equality and individual independence are undeniably influential. A popular model in relationships is 50/50, where responsibilities and roles are divided in half. It seems fair and just, considering that the relationship is formed as equal partners, investing equally - from finances and housework to raising children.

What is the original idea of feminism?

A couple of centuries ago, the situation in the world was such that everything was decided by men and women did not have the right to vote, pay taxes and other opportunities that men had. A woman's place was at home to deal with children, household affairs, and they had little freedom. Men often took advantage of this situation, and tyranny, male supremacy and female subordination were observed in family relationships. From a psychological point of view, when a person is oppressed in the long term, hatred, resentment, anger accumulates in him and sooner or later these emotions find their way out. Historically, out of this situation came the feminist movement, where women showed their voice and that they too have the right to freedom, they too are as smart as men, and they too can study, work and drive.

This is indeed both possible and allowed in modern society and looks fair and just when the right to study, work and vote is freely available to everyone, both men and women . In relationships, this often leads to a pattern where all responsibilities are divided in half in a couple. What does the 50/50 situation really look like in Europe and America? After all, who basically and most deals with the step of the house? Woman . Who deals with children? Also a woman.

Basically, the task of the family results from the division of duties and tasks

By dividing roles and tasks, it is possible to achieve a much more efficient movement towards the result. For example, in 1913, Henry Ford created the first conveyor line, which, by dividing the work into separate operations and delegating each operation to an individual worker, made it possible to shorten the assembly time of one generator from 20 to five minutes. From the perspective of male-female relationships, modern researchers have proven that this ancient intelligent idea of ​​division of labor is optimal for successful human cooperation. One person cannot do everything perfectly - that's understandable. If we remember our school days, even then it was difficult to achieve excellence in every subject. Similarly, the division of roles is also essential in companies, because it is known that an employee who knows everything does not look very professional and reliable. It's like going to a doctor who knows everything - to cut out appendicitis, treat the head and fix teeth, hardly anyone would like to go to such a doctor.

there are an infinite number of such stories, and the idea is one - there must be a certain specialization and this also applies to family relationships. It is absolutely primitive and is divided into two parts - one responsibility in the relationship belongs to the man and the other to the woman.

Scientists have been surprised by the discovery that when people have tried to do things equally, disagreements start. A classic example is a couple doing home renovations together. There is a saying about this - one repair is equal to two fires. In most cases, the renovation creates huge disagreements and conflicts while the two choose the colors, the wallpaper and the sofa together.

Wherever the responsibility is divided 50 to 50 , it is difficult to achieve a result and there are constant conflicts, proving to each other who is right and who is guilty. At first, this model may seem very successful and convenient, especially if the couple does not have children. Both work, earn money, go on trips, to restaurants, and everyone is on their own. But as a result, it will lead to constant discussions, arguments and endless clarification of who owes whom and who is more right.

WITHOUT A CLEAR AND CONSTRUCTIVE UNDERSTANDING OF THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN A MAN AND A WOMAN, MOST COUPLE RELATIONSHIPS COME TO THE POINT THAT EACH OF THE COUPLE STARTS TO ACCOUNT WITH THE OTHER AND STARTS TO ACCOUNT ONLY WITH HIMSELF.

Roles and responsibilities are different in function, but equal in importance. In a happy, successful family union, the couple's roles complement each other. When a man fulfills his roles, he has the right not to fulfill the roles that are the responsibility of the woman. On the contrary, a woman, fulfilling her duties, has the right and the opportunity to stop doing something. For example, the husband brings food from the store, the woman prepares it. The woman takes the trash bag out of the bucket and puts it by the door, the man carries it out. The woman sees that she needs to change the light bulb, asks the man to do it, and the man replaces it. The man works to provide for the family, the woman takes care of what is needed at home. No matter what we talk about love, romance and everything else, in reality, it is important, comfortable and functional for everyone when in a relationship everyone fulfills their own duties and does not touch the other's responsibilities.

The relationship begins to be difficult when one of the couple feels that he is beginning to fulfill more obligations than the other. When does a woman feel she is doing more? It is not uncommon when working full-time with the aim of providing part of the financial investment in the family.

in such a case, a woman fulfills duties additional to those that are based on her, and in time she begins to demand compensation for this. Situations arise from this scenario where both work as a couple and divide all household steps and household issues in half. Later, when we look at a couple living like this, we get the feeling that we are not looking at a husband and wife, but at a brother and sister.

I am for a woman's freedom and the right to her voice

However, against the fact that a man should be deprived of his responsibility, roles and responsibilities that he should fulfill in relation to his family. This leads to men slacking off and women criticizing men, constantly warring and fighting. The union of a man and a woman can be seen as something more - two people coming together to achieve both individual and joint family goals. It is easier to do this together, because when roles and functions are divided, a successful team is formed.

For example, the goal is financial responsibility in the family. When two or more people are responsible for something, no one is responsible for it. If a man takes financial responsibility, it does not mean that a woman should submit to a man, stop developing and sit at home. These are outdated beliefs. Women who do what they like and enjoy often earn very well, but this does not mean that the responsibility for providing for the family financially must be shared. Or, for example, responsibility for the step of the house. If the responsibility is 50 to 50 - one day the man cleans the house, the other day - the woman. Garbage is taken out by one person one day, by another. It can be done, and indeed many couples do, but it is not and will not be very effective and will lead to conflict.

Women often have false, stereotypical and idealized views of femininity. From their point of view, femininity means not having to work, sit at home, paint, sew, knit socks and have the husband massage his feet after work, and if a woman works, it means that she is not feminine. They are ideals that are far from the truth. In family relationships, the most important task is to be able to divide roles, duties and responsibilities so that they do not overlap. Therefore, you can do everything that brings you joy, provided that the other couple is not deprived of their responsibilities and each has enough time and energy resources to fulfill them.

Traditionally, problems with responsibilities arise when it is not clear who is the breadwinner in a couple or family. Therefore, I want to look into the reasons why a man does not want to provide for his family.

1. First, based on some rules, we both got into the boat of our relationship together. These rules must be agreed upon and clarified while still on shore. If the woman's position is that I am all by myself, I don't need help, I can do everything, I can do everything, the man does not get clarity about where his place is in this space and what function he will have to fulfill. It is curious that the woman shows the position herself, but waits for the man to save her and heroically say I will do everything, relax . It is an illusion. In reality, the man looks and sees that she does not need help and stops trying.
2. The other situation is when at the beginning of the relationship the rules were us each for himself , and later the woman tries to change these rules rapidly. She states that she wants to remove some of the responsibility from herself, but the man resists and complains, is confused because the original agreement was different. If both were satisfied by the 50 to 50 system, it will be difficult to rapidly create a new model.

Often, the situation in the family worsens when the woman goes on childcare leave and no longer brings this part of the family finances. The man begins to make claims because the woman ceases to be a partial provider of the family. This arises from the fact that when the relationship began, there was an agreement on mutual financial responsibility - these were the rules of the game that both parties agreed to.

WHAT TO DO?

Not to deprive a man of his responsibility. If a woman is in the program herself, she does it automatically and unconsciously, because she has not created someone to do something for her. Her life has developed in such a way that she has learned to do many things and it is easy for her.

Learn to ask. It is often very difficult for a woman to pray, ask and admit that she needs a man's strength. By doing this, very conflicting feelings arise, such as shame, discomfort, disgust. Most often, because a woman was brought up with the belief that you can only rely on yourself and you can't trust anyone. It should be noted that everyone has to take responsibility for themselves in any case and a man's task is not to enter a woman's life and save her from life's troubles.

Raise your sense of value. If a woman has the feeling that she is not worthy to receive anything more or to live in material well-being, a man sees and understands that a little is enough for her. Often a woman has opinions from the beginning for others and only after that for me .

Must be able to accept. Let's imagine a situation when a man brings earrings as a gift and a woman says: "We shouldn't have spent it like that, we could have bought a new sofa or wardrobe with this money." A man thinks what is more important to her - earrings or a wardrobe? So if I bought earrings and she is not happy, next time I have to buy a wardrobe. The ability to accept gifts is important for a man to feel that he has a reason to aspire to more.

To express gratitude. No one wants to make an effort if there is no reaction in return, no gratitude. Relationship problems often start when we start to take things for granted. When something becomes self-evident, we lose the desire to express gratitude for it. On the other hand, when gratitude ends, a man lacks the incentive to move forward.

Create balance in relationships. If a man is a provider, provides security, protection, then the woman must give something in return. Half of the work that the woman did before in the relationship should be transferred to the man's shoulders, freeing the woman. On the other hand, for a successful give-and-take balance, the woman needs to satisfy the man's needs in return.

Every couple finds the most convenient and best format for dividing duties and responsibilities in the family

There are separate recommendations on how to do it comfortably, looking at the nature of men and women. However, it should be taken into account that nowadays there are situations when the genders (from English - gender ) have been changed, which can also be observed in the hormonal system, so the division of roles may not be so traditional in some cases. The main task is to distribute tasks, responsibilities and roles in such a way that everyone feels comfortable performing them and they do not overlap as much as possible. This will make it possible to create successful cooperation, significantly reducing the causes of conflicts.

Text: Zane Ozoliņa

Photo: Zane Krūmiņa / zkphotography.lv