Relationship , lifestyle and marriage are complex mechanisms. We do not live in illusions for the fact that there will be neither pain nor harm in them. Even in a harmonious union, falls can happen, which are possible overcome only by working together. Perhaps your partner has hurt you, expressed deep regret and apologized, while you said that you forgive the offense. However, as time passes, you feel that the pain has not subsided and in fact you have not forgiven Even if you believe that the partner will not act like this again, and forgiveness is what will benefit both you and him, why can't you forgive and let go of what was done?

American couples psychotherapist and relationship specialist Richard Nicastro explains that obstacles forgiveness can be different. Often they are hidden in our subconscious - the part of the mind that we can't reach so easily control and influence.

The power of the subconscious

Our mind is powerful, complex and incredibly nuanced, and it has different levels: there is the conscious mind or consciousness, with which we communicate on a daily basis, but beneath this surface is the subconscious. It does not rest for a moment, regardless of what we do on a daily basis. In the moments when we feel stuck, despite our best efforts beyond the situation, it is worth digging deeper and looking for the reason right in the deepest corners of the mind.

The bad news is that deciphering the information hidden in the subconscious mind is not easy, and can take a very long time. Most often, it tries to protect us from unconscious guilt or others aspects. The good news is that once we access this information and begin to understand why we are struggling forgive your partner, the obstacles to forgiveness decrease, we experience progress and feel and relief.

Unconscious shame

Shame is a powerful driving force in a person's life and it can disguise itself as other emotions, so it is difficult to detect. It can profoundly influence relationships and decision-making. To make it even more complicated, feelings of shame are often present illogical. This means that sometimes we can feel shame in situations where we clearly know that we should not be ashamed.

For example, when your friend tells you about her big promotion at work, you feel a strong wave of shame for not being climbed the career ladder. Even if you work in different industries and don't compete in any way, shame can get to you avoid the girlfriend from now on. Similarly, shame can affect us in relationships. It makes us feel low value. Perhaps it is the feeling of shame that is the main obstacle to forgiveness, because we do not feel it worthy of a partner's apology.

Degrading guilt

Psychotherapist Nicastro explains that guilt is like mud in which we wallow and which stains everything that previously clean. Guilt strikes people incredibly often, and even when there are no apparent reasons to would feel guilty, it sneaks up and does its mischief at the subconscious level. Like shame, guilt does not is always clearly visible. You may need some time to define the specific feeling in this case - an obstacle to forgiveness.

Solving problems can be difficult, especially if you subconsciously see yourself as an accomplice of your partner in the transaction. Perhaps you are scolding yourself for why the other party acted like this, or you feel guilty that right now you are placed in a higher position than him, because he threw up while asking for forgiveness ball in your court and the further future of the relationship is in your hands.

Hidden Fears

Fear is also not always the most obvious emotion.

In moments when the other has hurt us, such emotions as disappointment and anger are much more clearly felt. However, if there is it is difficult to forgive your partner, it is possible that fear is hidden under the veil of obvious emotions.  Maybe you fear that forgiving your spouse will make you more open to pain and make you feel vulnerable. Maybe fear that the partner might act similarly in the future. Regardless of the reason for the fear, true forgiveness only possible when we have lowered our weapons and shields. In strong relationships, we must be able to recognize your self-defense mechanisms and learn to forgive painful moments, as long as they are not completely destroyed the foundations of the relationship.

Author of the article: ELISA RUDZİTE

Photo: VERONIKA WEGER

Read also: THE ART OF FORGIVING. FOR YOURSELF AND THE OTHER