What can be more beautiful than lifelong love ! It sounds incredibly romantic, but it is relationships, lifestyle and even love need to be nurtured, taken care of just like we do with beautiful and at the same time fragile flowers - they require attention and care and the right approach. Equal access for all does not work - each flower blooms in different conditions - in the most favorable ones.

What is the basis of a strong marriage and how can we teach each other to notice, value and show each other in relationships, how important and dear the other party is to us, the relationship coach advises Kristīne Kreile / beasur.eu .

Get to know yourself and take care of your needs

Before starting to analyze and audit your relationships, you need to be clear about who and what we are. Get to know yourself, knowing your needs and being able to take care of them is especially important.

It is not for nothing that they say - you can truly love if you love yourself.

Very often in relationships we want to satisfy our needs, which we don't even really recognize, which in turn leads to to the conflict. It is also important to understand what my conflicting habits are. Beliefs and thoughts tend to limit the view and being able to enjoy and accept the relationship I'm in. They are largely related to what kind of family I come from, who is in it had conflicting habits. How we see, hear and respond to others is related to how we are used to that we were seen, heard and how we were answered in the family of origin. On the other hand, the fact that I am heard, seen and answered - so is the skill to love.

You have to learn to listen and hear

Studies show that we spend only 4-12 hours on important conversations about relationships, not on daily trifles or routine tasks minutes a day. This is way too little. You have to learn to accept the other with his differences, because we don't have to be in a relationship the same, do not have to think in the same categories. But to truly understand a loved one is important look at each other with interest and desire to learn, to spend time on relationships .

Very often, our thoughts and opinions, formed as a result of experience, prevent us from accurately perceiving the other. We overcharge them we believe and cling without deciding whether it is really good for me at the moment. Do I really want to take over as a child look at the relationship model? Does it really work for me and us as a couple? However, everyone in the couple is an individuality, and also from A person born of a certain family model is an individuality for whom, very likely, the experienced model is not at all doesn't fit. It is worth asking each other - how do you feel most listened to? How do you feel about being seen? What to you should you feel accepted? Sometimes there is a lack of openness, unlimited of different opinions and beliefs looking at each other with an open heart, mind and respect for each other. That's how we learn from each other to listen and truly hear . People tend to think that they should automatically have the ability to be relationships and make them great, and they get disappointed in themselves when they don't.

In fact, most of us have not learned the art of relationship building anywhere.

Only now are schools starting to introduce socio-emotional education, which includes recognizing one's own and other people's emotions. So why do we think it is something we will automatically understand? The main quality or ability to develop is interested listening. For comparison, we can imagine how we listen when we meet someone for the first time, how we find out, we ask, and what is it like when we know a person . We stop knowing. It is worth assuming that I a lot I don't know, even if I think I know the person, and to continue to get to know my loved one step by step.

Basic principles to follow in couple relationships

Researchers at the Gottman Institute, who have been studying relationships for more than 40 years, have come to three basic principles that we must stick to it if we want the relationship to be successful.

1. The first principle - in relationships it is very important to strengthen friendship . Friendship there is a foundation of foundations in relationships - both for romance and intimacy, and for passion and sex. Friendship in a pair is built on genuine interest in the partner, his dreams, values, inner dialogues and thoughts. It is an ability to develop within yourself the art of questioning, asking deeper questions that need to be answered more than yes or no - how do you think, what do you think about what your vision is instead of making your claims. The next cornerstone of friendship - admiration, respect and appreciation. It is important to say thank you and appreciate things that seem to be taken for granted the loved one does the mundane. For example, regularly filling up your car's headlight or brushing your feet working days. Often we mean good things but forget to say them out loud. It would be important, however, respect and show evaluation daily. Friendship is strengthened if you respond to the calls of the other half to pay attention. Nowadays, when there are so many other distractions - mobile phones, social networks - it is important to notice the other efforts to draw attention to themselves. If we are able to practice it every day, we fill up the emotional account of the relationship. It is just like with a bank account - the more I put in there, the more likely that there will be something if there is such a need to draw

   

2. The second principle - a positive view in relationships should prevail over the negative. The ideal positive to negative ratio has been studied - 5:1.  It is easier for the brain to “habit”. to notice what is not good. Therefore, it is necessary to pay more attention to the good things that happen in the relationship.

   

3. The third principle - the ability to rehabilitate conflicts, which means - from the conflict not lose but gain . Where there are two people, there arises a discussion - a conflict in which two meet different views. It is important to be able to respectfully share the opposite point of view, to be able to tolerate the other's point of view and to accept that it may vary. If we are a couple, then we must think alike - this is a misunderstood idea that often leads to conflict.

   

Read, learn and implement

There is a lot of information about nurturing relationships. But we experience real change and transformation only when something happens from what we have read, we don't just know in theory, but we actually put it into practice. We each have our own love language. dr. Gary Chapman has divided the five love languages : appreciation, quality time together time, deeds, touches and gifts. If we find out that my partner has a completely different love language, you may have to force yourself to implement it into your daily routine at first, as with any new habit.

But how to implement it practically? If the other party's love language is words of admiration and appreciation, it is important to hear praise from a partner. If your partner is not used to praising your loved one, you can put a reminder or sticky notes on the phone on the work computer, which will remind the partner that it is important. On the other hand, if the partner's love language is shared time spent, then I mark the time we will spend together in the calendar every week. Just the same with other loves languages - gifts, works, or everyday cares and touches.

Read the article about 5 love languages here: 5 LOVE LANGUAGES

Author of the article: IEVA KRASTIņA

Photo: GINA PAULSON , VICTORIA PETERSEN

Read also: SOME SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGES SECRET I