To be honest and true, to feel yourself here and now, to be at ease, to go deep, to grow and develop in all directions - this is the basis for unconditional love for yourself, the world and your partner.

To make it easier to understand what unconditional love is, I want to first look at its second side, namely the user's love.

It must be said, most people live in relationships through the love of the user.

It is based on the satisfaction of some internal needs, the filling of gaps and voids with the help of another person. We expect the other to give us what we lack, we expect the other to bring satisfaction, joy, happiness. We consciously or most often unconsciously appoint another person as the one who determines the quality of our lives, happiness, joy and moods. Later, he is also the one to blame for all the failures - because because of him, because of him...

User love is always based on benefit. It can be both conscious and unconscious. Perhaps this benefit is status, family idealization, external favorable conditions, financial comfort, receiving certain emotions, access to the body, and others. We are together because it is convenient. in this case, none of the partners set themselves the task of investing in the relationship . Rather, there is a game with feelings. There are no deep feelings, everything is superficial. There is excitement, passion for the new, but over time this supply of dopamine decreases and partners begin to demand more and more from each other.

In my counseling practice, I have often come across the fact that women tend to be confused - how is it that the other person starts to think that I am demanding something from him, even though I don't think so myself. It also happens when the struggle for power between partners becomes stronger - who is stronger, smarter, more intelligent than whom, whose work is more important, whose free time is more important.

What's going on here?

The effects of dopamine and other love hormones that initially bonded the two partners, created the illusion of shared interests, needs, and noticing and understanding each other, end. Unfortunately, this has been a false understanding towards the other with a mercantile thought - I for you, you for me. For example, when a woman enters a relationship , she begins to subordinate more and more, to give up her desires, to put the man's needs higher, because somewhere she has heard, seen and figured out that this should be done and that this is the key to a long-term relationship. She, living for some time in the dope of falling in love , closes her eyes to the fact that she is actually going against her own values.

But this going against one's values is with the thought - if I do it, then the other person will do it too. If I give up myself, then the other person must also give up himself and do everything to satisfy me, to make me happy, to fulfill my wishes. Just like Jin from the fairy tale. When this does not happen and in reality it turns out that the other person is a simple person and not a fairy-tale hero, an internal and external clash occurs. Argument after argument, insult after insult. Why? Because I give myself all to the other, but he doesn't give me the same in return.

Sometimes people understand, feel that they don't love each other, but they live together. Children are often the justification for this union. Children will lose what only both parents together can provide and so on. The couple clings to illusions and idealizations until the last, they are ready to find any solutions in order to somehow manage to live together, and the real reason is often toxic attraction, as well as favorable conditions that they do not want to lose - a place of residence, material benefits, planned time and the externally created family image. In such cases, recipes are often sought, with the help of which at least communication at home could be improved, but there is no such recipe if people are not ready and willing to love each other, take care of each other, give their unconditional support to each other.

Declaration of love

What does that mean? What does this support look like?

A man is late for work, a woman sends him a dinner delivery, knowing he will be hungry. The man has sports training, the woman does not send him messages asking what time he will be and a note that she should spend the evening alone again. A woman's love appears through a man's unrestricted freedom, trust, reliance and faith.

A man shows his love in actions - his love is manifested through the desire to protect his beloved, take care of her, try to make her life easier in various ways. A man's love is expressed through the works he is ready to do for a woman and family. Because it is much easier to say words than to take concrete actions or take responsibility for solving a woman's problems. If this does not happen, the man does not do it and does not take responsibility, escapes from responsibility - this shows that there is some kind of convenience in the relationship, but there is no love. Gallantly extending your hand, opening the door for a lady or paying for her in a restaurant - such actions are nothing more than politeness.

If there is suffering, torment, pain, resentment, struggle in a relationship, then it is difficult to talk about love here. Relationships in which we choose to suffer and hold on to at all costs always have some benefit. No self-loving person will allow themselves to be in an environment where they feel bad, even if it means giving up and losing the benefits of such a relationship. Human values ​​and self-esteem will stand higher. Unfortunately, a large number of women become dependent in relationships because they are afraid of material losses.

Conditions in the relationship

When a woman says my child needs a father , it means that she starts a relationship already with a few conditions that the man will have to fulfill - he must play the role of a father, raise her son, be at home at a certain time, spend time on holidays only with the family and play football with her son every Wednesday. A pile of demands, also based on an idealization of what the father of her child should be. this role, unfortunately, was not fulfilled properly by his real father, and therefore she is looking for someone who will be the perfect role model for her son.

In another case, a woman is looking for the ideal son-in-law for her parents - one whom the parents will be proud of, who they will like and who will be a role model. Still another is looking for someone to take care of, to clothe, feed, take people out , take them to doctors and the like. And vice versa - a man is looking for someone who must be an excellent hostess, cook three times a day, clean the house, raise children, take care of the family's well-being and, preferably, work in a good position and provide half of the expenses related to the household.

These are all conditions, requirements, expectations based not on love , but on gain and filling one's inner voids through another person.

And this does not mean that a man or a woman will not do these things. However, one must understand the difference between demands, idealizations and the personal responsibility of each partner as a woman and a man, each one's values, standards and willingness to invest in the relationship by assuming roles and responsibilities. This happens with a mutual agreement on cooperation, respecting and respecting the personal space of both parties, as well as with the creation of a common partnership space.

Unconditional love

True feelings of love are selfless and focus on giving rather than receiving.

Synergy of partners takes place in unconditional love. Two personalities that are both good together and good on their own. Partners do not prevent each other from being and living according to themselves. There are both individual desires and goals that are realized, as well as common ones as partners, team, family.

Unconditional love is a complex, yet achievable form of love. It depends on how mature a person is and what is the consciousness of the current moment. Maturity and awareness determine how ready we are for pure love.

You have to be careful with unconditional love, because there is a fine line between when I give unconditionally and wait, but nothing comes back, and when there is a healthy give-receive balance. In the first case, very often a person does not realize that he is in the role of a victim. In order to create a healthy balance, it is important to be aware of yourself, your limits, know your values, desires and needs. To introduce them to each other and feel if we are on the right track.

Unconditional love does not mean allowing the other person to do whatever comes to mind to me. In love there is respect, responsibility and care for each other and each for himself.

People very often understand the word love as passion, toxic attraction, love hormones, sexual attraction, passion. But love itself is comprehensive, deeper, wider. Only then can we truly love another when we have sorted out our personal goals, values, personal standards and when we have an understanding of our roles in life and the values ​​in these roles.

If two people meet who love each other unconditionally, they are ready to give to the other, take care of the other, take responsibility without expecting anything in return. If both are in a pair with such a feeling, then I give - I receive the balance is equal. Both give and both receive. But beware of cases where only one person gives to another, but the other person uses and uses it. Do both engage in relationships j au initially with internal expectations that the other will give, do and take responsibility, demand it and as a result dissatisfaction grows because expectations are not fulfilled and there is no reckoning with each other.

To love each other means to understand, to know the partner and to know what I cannot expect from him, and not to expect it. It means sometimes lovingly laughing at yourself and at others, accepting flaws. It means to bring out the best qualities in the other, to lift, rise and want to be better.

Author of the article: Relationship mentor Zane Ozoliņa

Photo: Miks Sheel