Every person has the right to love and be loved, everyone hopes and believes that his relationship will be beautiful and will remain so for life. But there are many parameters that affect the formation of a healthy relationship. If a woman is in the love earning program, she cannot a priori be happy and create a healthy, harmonious relationship.

Relationship mentor: Zane Ozoliņa

Where does the love earning program come from

Where does this idea of earning love come from? Like most of our programs, it comes from nurturing. The achievements and failures of our parents are all in our genetic memory and we inherit them. What we saw in our parents' relationship and their attitude towards other people, we adopt as a norm in our lives. We continue what we saw in the relationships of the people who matter to us because we simply don't know other va riants. Later, as we grow up and encounter different rules of the game and see other family structures, we see that other families may have different rules.

They can be both successful and beneficial to the relationship, and not so successful and ineffective. Love's earning program originates in our families. For example, a girl receives signals from her parents that she is loved only if she does something. A very common mistake of parents is to ask to wash the dishes in exchange for something that the girl will receive. For example, money. This is a wrong approach and upbringing, because the girl formulates an opinion - in order for me to receive good treatment, I have to do something. Buyer and seller relations begin to form in interaction with the surrounding people.

Later, already in adult life, the girl does not understand where the mistake is, because it is her norm - to receive a reward for good behavior.

Such a behavior model as perfectionism is formed against this background. It's a way of thinking: if I'm not the best, the most beautiful, the smartest, then I won't be loved. In later life, a woman interacts with the people around her through efforts to be good, but is unable to receive love in this way. Love - true, intimate and warm, can only be found in family relationships.

Initially in the family of our parents and later in the family we create in our lives. However, it happens that without receiving love in one's family, a person tries to receive it from everyone else in the surrounding world, striving for achievements in society. Similarly, in a relationship, a woman tries to get love from a man, trying to do more than she should for him in the hope that he will love her for it. However, this does not happen and the woman is confused - why so.

How else does the love earning program come about?

• Lack of good words and recognition . If the child rarely received good words and recognition, later the person tries to do everything possible to fill this missing need. But the point is that no adult is obligated to return to us what we did not receive in childhood.
• Criticism and evaluations . If criticism and evaluations were received, the child felt offended and humiliated. In later life, codependent relationships are formed in which this attitude is repeated.
• Comparative na. Comparison greatly affects self-esteem and relationship building. Most children were compared to someone and growing up are afraid to make mistakes in order not to be condemned. There is a fear of evaluation that paralyzes desire and free will. This, in turn, means blocking development and success in your life because you lack the resources to move forward. A person feels fear and does not move forward. It affects both relationships and realization in the outside world.

Thus, the behavior model of a hungry person is formed in a woman - she feels hungry for recognition, appreciation, love. She is ready to do much more than she should, just to receive even a drop of love, warmth, good word. She really lacks recognition from the outside and will do anything to get it. A woman has developed a false belief that love can be earned by works, similar to receiving an excellent certificate for good studies . But with love, this scenario does not work.

Efforts for a man

The woman thinks: "If I will be a chef, cook for him, he will be inspired, happy and love me one hundred percent!" But it is not a guarantee of love. It turns out that the woman is trying, and not doing it for fun. Not because she wants to, but because she needs to. A person gets very tired when performing actions through "need".

A woman thinks: "If I look like a magazine model, a man will appreciate it and it will be a guarantee that he will love me." That doesn't happen either. Even the most well-groomed, beautiful women have serious partnership issues. Therefore, appearance is not the basis and guarantee for building a happy relationship.

One of the most mistaken thoughts: "If I give him more than I get in return, he will definitely love me." The woman thus turns into a victim, and the man consequently tells her: "I didn't ask you for this. I didn't force you to give so much." If a woman gives more than she receives in return, she falls into the role of victim and says of her man: "He is a tyrant." The victim accumulates anger, fear, resentment, irritation and at a certain moment becomes a tyrant herself, and dumps it all on another person, who turns her tyrant into a victim. Both run in circles in this program and the relationship becomes toxic.

Women who fall into a toxic relationship pattern have low self-esteem because they don't believe they are worth loving. There is no belief that they have unique characteristics and personality qualities, so relationships are built on other foundations. With low self-esteem, a woman will most often choose men who need rescuing.

In the scenario of earning love, a woman lives someone else's life, not her own. The man's interests concern her more than her own, while the man begins to despise the woman, just as she does herself. In such a model, a woman becomes and feels like a service staff.

here is not a story about someone being better or worse, but about the fact that each of us has behavioral patterns that lead to this or that relationship scenario. It simply means that adjustments are needed in these models.

Often women live together with a man, waiting for a proposal, but it does not come from the man. Then the question arises - why does the man continue to receive all the bonuses from the woman? It turns out that she tries, gives and gives, but the man gets used to the situation and thinks - why should I change something if everything is still good and this is how it works? in this position, a woman's personal boundaries eventually blur and it becomes very difficult for her to say no and ask for help. She rarely gets anything in return for her efforts and feels increasingly unappreciated. Her energy level drops and the woman feels worthless and unnecessary.

she also radiates this attitude towards herself in the world around her.

This results in other people taking advantage of the one who is weak and ready to do whatever is asked of him for the love of those around him. It is very difficult to use someone who is a strong and confident person with strong personal boundaries. It is clear to such a person that he receives love in his family, while in society he does not try to earn anything, but rather provides added value to society. He has no understanding of where love is received and where other processes take place. A person with a strong inner core does not need to earn love, he understands what his value is. If he doesn't like something, he calmly says: "I'm sorry, I can't do that. I can't, because I'm not comfortable with it."

If a woman is not comfortable in her family, her emotional field will start to be filled with anger, resentment, and fear. This means anxiety and the fact that it will be very difficult to take care of emotional stability in the family, the woman will not be able to create an atmosphere of peace in it.

How to get true love, not earned love?

It is impossible to earn love. However, it is possible to realize what past situations have led to the position of the earner. You have to come to terms with this and not allow such a relationship model in your future. You should develop your own personal boundaries so that other people do not have the opportunity to violate them. It is necessary to maintain a balance of giving and receiving, so that toxic relationships do not develop in which more is taken than given in return. When you change your behavior pattern, the reaction of the surrounding world changes.

From an early age, we are shown that love can be received through correct behavior, that is, by doing everything as adults think is right and good. These are misconceptions.

When a person grows up, in a relationship with the opposite sex, he tries to get out of his skin to be loved. However, when he realizes that he can't do anything, there is only one option - to go to a psychologist. When he is told that he is worthy of love and worth just the same, without sacrifice, the familiar and usual world of man will collapse. It will be extremely painful for him to realize that he has desperately tried to fight for what really is not worth fighting for.

One of the misconceptions that is instilled from childhood is that not all people deserve love. "Only those who will behave well will be loved, while those who will do the opposite will not be loved"; “girls deserve more love than boys”; "one must love one's relatives and loved ones, all others - not"; “a child who gets good grades deserves love, but one who gets bad grades does not.” On the other hand, the truth is that the most beautiful feeling in this world does not divide people into good and bad. Everyone has the right to love and be loved.

And that does not require certain works or achievements, it is enough that a person is born and lives. And he is what he is, with his pluses and minuses. Everyone deserves love, no matter what they do. Everything can be taken away from a person, even life, but no one can take away love. Psychologists always teach that people should simply accept love and not try to win and earn it.

We have been taught since childhood that if we do something wrong, love will be taken away from us. But this is not the case. You can take away support, tenderness, but it is impossible to suddenly stop loving. Falling in love may pass, but if both have made love during the period of falling in love, it will come to a place of falling in love that will remain with people even after they are no longer together.

We must learn to calmly accept the fact that we cannot force someone to love us, no matter how much we want to. Because feelings cannot be bought, earned or won.

It should be understood that:

• Love is absolute . Most often, people like those who are stronger than them. Such a personality will never try to curry favor with others. If a person tries to earn love by climbing over himself, it only provokes the opposite reaction and rejection.
• Love must be mutual. It does not have to be the case that one loves and the other just accepts this love, without reciprocating feelings. If they want to receive complete obedience and submission from you, then that is not love. A person simply wants to gain power over someone and thereby assert himself.
• You have to love yourself first . When you learn to do this, the people around you will also be able to truly love you. Everyone defines what "self-love" means. The most important thing is to learn to stand up for yourself and your position, without belittling other people's wishes and needs. Make yourself happy.

it seems that being yourself is easy. But it takes effort.

You have to put emphasis on your desires and try to live for your own joy. And life will definitely change for the better!

Author of the article: Zane Ozoliņa