Every relationship occasionally comes dispute . Although we experience more or less fights from childhood, arguing is not as easy as it sounds. Constructive dispute as an art of communication - it must be understood so that we are winners, not losers, from the dispute.

What is a dispute , why is it necessary and how not to lose content in an outburst of emotions - advises internationally recognized business and transformation coach Liene Uresina , who has made it her mission to improve the lives of 100,000 Latvian women.

What is an argument?

Dispute is a disagreement between different opinions, needs and interests. So simple and natural, right? But where do the complications arise? The parties involved in the dispute are two people who come from different families, their beliefs about what is right and what is not, from different cultures with different visions and understanding of life and values. But there is a difference in how we resolve the dispute - egocentrically sticking to our point of view and not trying to empathically listen to the other, or respectfully, respecting the feelings and vision of the partner in the dispute. Yes, it may not match, but that doesn't mean we have to stay on two warring fronts when instead we can find a middle ground together and accept that opinions can differ.

Arguments are necessary

Disputes are necessary, with their help we grow. Liene Uresina adds: "When you're alone, everything is crazy super , you can do everything your own way. That's how we grow our ego. When we get into a union with someone, we have to try to hone , understand and respect. That's how growth happens. It helps us realize that it's not all about and around me. Growth Coach Tony Robin says, "If you're in a relationship to take, you're an absolute loser." If you want a happy relationship , you have to learn to give unconditional love, no matter how impossible it sounds.

One of the main reasons why healthy conflicts are necessary is that they signal things that both partners need to change. If both parties to the dispute are open and respectful of each other, conflict provides an opportunity to make these changes. ” The conflict shows that there is also an opportunity to question one's own reality and show love and respect for another person. Other times, a person has kept his grievance inside for so long that, after speaking it out, he can feel a surprising relief, experiencing that he is being listened to from the heart. Not with condemnation, but with an open mind and soul, with empathy and sensitivity. A characteristic of deliberately avoiding conflicts is often observed. However, Liene reminds us that conflict is not bad. If you don't know how to solve things with the help of conflict, but you avoid it and just do it as you adapt, it is worth consulting a psychotherapist.

Healthy and unhealthy arguments - how they differ

In an unhealthy argument, others are usually blamed, not yourself. In an unhealthy conflict, we give our partner an imagined identity from our own prism, our own perspective, which absolutely does not motivate the other person to change or cooperate. You have to be very careful how to convey information in such a way that the other person has the desire to cooperate in the future, to understand you and to strengthen the relationship.

A sign of a healthy argument is the ability to say things in such a way that the other person wants to listen and understand. How to do it? Don't blame, but say how you feel from your point of view. It is important not to blame the other.

He probably has his reasons for doing so. The other should be allowed to refute his behavior by listening. Liene advises: "When you have a conflict with your partner, let him talk. When he speaks, give him at least ten more seconds. Usually, after listening to what the other person has to say, we actively start to give in return through our vision, but if you allow the person to activate and stabilize his position, giving this 10 seconds extra time is worth its weight in gold. Often we have not even noticed the other's feelings. Ask yourself - how is he feelings in this situation? When we criticize and blame our man, we demotivate him to express himself, the desire to cooperate, how about changing something."

Tips for healthy arguing

"It's important to ask questions that will lead to a solution. How can we solve this situation? What do you want me to do? You need to understand what the end result is that you want to achieve. I teach my clients to use the following sentence: If everything were my way, it would be like this..., explaining my wishes and vision. For example, I would like you to come to dinner at six every day, but if you don't, please call me in time so that I can count on it. Just like that, find a middle ground. If you have forgotten to call me, can I send you a text message to which you will answer me? In similar situations, one person shuts down and the other person walks away. It is often the case that we take over our own behavior, one step at a time, and one step at a time.

Habits are changeable.

Another important thing is to take responsibility. If we start waiting, why he doesn't change, why only I have to work on myself, then the game is lost. With such an attitude, the ego works and there will be no healthy final solutions."

Liene advises never to argue in a rush of emotions when you are angry, desperate, full of stress: "It is better to go for a walk or a run, wash clothes by hand to calm down, otherwise you will start insulting and condemning the other person. Disagreements should be discussed in a calmer state as possible. Physical activity lowers the cortisol level, you will be balanced, able to walk and speak.

Do not engage in conflict late at night before going to bed. It is not for nothing that there is a saying - morning is wiser than evening. Dramatization is good in the evenings.

Have to make our own bickering rules - what will we never do? For example, let's not threaten to leave, let's not bring up the past, let's not go to bed if we have an argument." By determining these things, it will be easier to stay within the frames and not fall into the pits of manipulation.

How not to lose the content in an outburst of emotions

It is important to analyze yourself - how do I feel? We have this bunch of negative feelings that we tend to dump on the other person like the contents of a trash can. Sometimes it will be enough if you say: "I have accumulated emotions, I want to express them, please do not solve, just obey." You can create a journal of your feelings, in which you describe how you feel, thus analyzing yourself. If you feel insecure yourself, no matter how hard you try as a partner, you won't be able to prove that you are actually safe. Then, when we have written down our behavior, ideas and causes of behavior, which basically come from the family, we can speak concretely and succinctly.

The knowledge of how to have a healthy conflict may not really exist if we have not seen an example of a healthy argument from parents who did not speak or only knew how to shout. If you feel that you are learning in the relationship, then tell your partner: "Be empathetic, I am learning, working on myself, educating myself, give me a chance and don't judge me when I make a mistake." If there is no forgiveness, there is resentment. Resentment is a big hole in a relationship, which basically means breeding a disease in yourself and putting the other person in a cage who will feel guilty.

You have to learn to forgive in a relationship.

Text: Ieva Krastiņa

Photo: Miks blade