"In a relationship where we don't talk much about our feelings and don't listen to the other to the depths, we are waiting and arguing not with our beloved, but with the image we have fantasized, giving him both bad and good qualities that do not belong to him", that's what I wrote in one of my articles four years ago. And you know? The message contained in this one sentence tells the difference between what it means to be in a conscious relationship and what it means to be in an unconscious relationship.

Read the article about conscious relationships here: Consciousness in relationships

Driven by emotions or in the position of an observer

We can look at life and what happens in it in different ways. This time about how we see ourselves and others, if we are driven by emotions, and how - if we learn to consciously "step into" the position of an observer and see both ourselves, the environment we are in, and the relationships we build from the outside.

It is similar to when one of our friends or acquaintances tells us about a situation in his life from which he does not see a reasonable way out or even does not see a solution at all. You, to whom this situation is being told, see a solution. Where is the difference? The person in the situation has an emotional attachment to it, while you don't. It is quite easy for you to look at it from the outside and make a reasonable decision on how to act, choosing a favorable solution. This means that we become conscious if we know how to separate ourselves from emotions and see the situation with a clear view, because emotions are like a veil that covers reality; when this veil is removed, a neutral scene is revealed and the choice to be made is arranged on clearly visible shelves.

Sometimes I have heard objections: "But how can I give up emotions, I am human! Why should I become an emotionless being?" A misunderstanding of what becoming an observer manifests itself in this question appears. You don't have to become cold to learn and use your position as a better observer. Emotions are necessary, emotions are an important part of human life - they signal when we are hurt, they show that we care, they highlight the beautiful, after all - emotions help to remove excess energy from the body, which is not valuable to us and is necessary so that we do not start suffering from mental and physical diseases.

Emotions show ourselves and our fellow humans how we feel. Emotions must be experienced. But by practicing the observer's point of view, we learn the superpower of distinguishing between what is an emotion and what is ourselves, what is an emotion and what is a situation. You don't have to throw it all in one pot. By being aware of emotions and allowing them to manifest in ways that are not harmful to ourselves and others, allowing ourselves to feel them physically, not just with our mind, we can realize that we are not that emotion. Emotion is a separate phenomenon that simply has a place to be. Emotions signal what makes us happy and excited in a relationship, as well as what doesn't work for us.

Example

There is an emotion - resentment. Action follows - we look for the reason why there is resentment, instead of sitting in resentment, we become resentment, not Juri or Santu, and we act like resentment, degrading our health, joy and relationships. As soon as the cause is found - for example, we understand that the resentment is because the partner does not spend as much time with me as I want - we can start to solve it by having an honest conversation with the partner about what I miss in the relationship and how I feel about it. What is important is to talk about feelings without insults or blame, but really leave the prism - how I feel about it and why. If your partner cares about your relationship and how you feel, he will be responsive. What can be the reasons if a constructive conversation does not take place? A) he is not emotionally mature and does not know how to "discuss" things and does not feel motivated to do so, B) he identifies the conversation as an attack, C) you create the conversation from the prism of blame and blame, D) he does not care.

If the conversation develops - great, you are on your way to a new level of relationship! If the conversation does not develop - you can draw conclusions and honestly talk to yourself - whether the current situation suits you, and this is all you expect from life, you will lower your hands and kindly accept everything that does not satisfy you, or - you start to realize that you are the determiner of your life, and sometimes you have to make painful decisions in order to finally become the creator of your life, not a puppet who is moved by "circumstances".

As mentioned at the beginning of the article, a great danger when blindly succumbing to emotions and not knowing yourself is conjuring up illusions about your partner. They can be both good and bad illusions. When good illusions are pushed because we had seen a partner not as he is, but with our self-invented qualities, we are disappointed. But he is what he is! He didn't change! Your veil fell. On the other hand, bad illusions or unpleasant thoughts about a partner arise when we don't say things, misunderstand and build a giant bubble in our mind, from which we suffer, even though all we needed was a short, honest conversation, and the misunderstanding would have been resolved in half a minute. Lack of honest and open communication destroys relationships and does not create the true picture. But it is important that both partners are open to the conversation.

Read more about how we tend to live with an illusion instead of a real partner: Don't buy potential. Love now!

What do you believe?

Relationships that are unconscious eventually lead to suffering, dislike, and simply co-existing as if you were roommates instead of a couple. They arise when a person does not know himself, does not realize the outline of self-knowledge and does not believe that it is possible to build life according to his own rules. There are situations in which people really do not realize that they have such rights and abilities - to determine what to have and what not to have in their own lives. Responsibility can seem like a bit of a scary word. But taking responsibility for your life gives you so much freedom! Indeed, nothing gives such freedom as taking responsibility! By accepting the power of responsibility in our lives, we realize that we can create what resonates with us, what makes us happy.

We live in exactly that quality and build relationships at the level of quality values we believe in. Of course, everything is not as simple as it sounds. But that is exactly why we are given the choice, the free will, to say to ourselves: Yes, it suits me! / No, it doesn't work for me. And accordingly the choice would be followed by action. It is not simple. Change is not easy. But it's always worth it.

We live in a unique era. New energies are entering the world space that affect each of us. It is not for nothing that we talk more and more about feelings, emotions, self-growth, awareness. In the parts of the world where we can live under civilized conditions, the story of human life is no longer one of survival, where the only virtue was work and patience. It is no longer a story about the fact that we must not feel, let alone allow ourselves to talk about feelings. And - who to talk to?

The story of modern man is about depth. About the inner world. About what we are made of and who we really are. For love. Starting with yourself.

The new energies are about awareness, love, acceptance, one's strength and abilities, compassion but not pity, understanding, being over manipulation, toxic games or lies. What no longer fits into the energy field of a conscious person is consciously and unconsciously forced out of it. The old doesn't mix with the new anymore. Such widespread emotional abuse is no longer able to sustain itself in a relationship with a conscious woman or man. In consciousness, emotional violence (criticism, reproaches, blame, etc.) has nothing to cling to, nothing to exist behind, nothing to feed on.

Do you want to strengthen your relationships and build them on a new level - conscious?

In today's abundant information world, everything you are looking for is available. Again, there are tons of books, podcasts, and inspirational Instagram accounts on mindfulness and mindful relationships.

Some Instagram accounts where you can get quality information and inspiration for building conscious relationships:

• Lorin Kenn, relationship coach, talks about femininity and masculinity and conscious relationships: @lorinkrenn
• Alyssa Nobriga, psychotherapist, personality, self-growth and relationship coach: @alyssanobriga
• Justin Chandler Peters on how men can embody the power of true masculinity and build healthy, conscious relationships: @justnthemoment
• International bestselling author Sheleana Aiyana talks about mindfulness and mindful relationships: @sheleanaaiyana
• Grace Stuart, helping you get out of the vicious circle of toxic relationships: @gracestuart26
• Brooke Carver, inspires and supports women after toxic relationships to become the happiest version of themselves: @loveherwildpodcast

Author of the article: Ieva Simanoviča